Peru

Day One

The most stressful travel day of my entire life. Holy fucking American Airlines, man. We got to the airport 1.5 hours before departure and when we check in at the airline counter, the precious little AA employee immediately tells us that we have the wrong COVID test; lovely. According to her, our test was not the one Peru required for entry. She calls her manager, whose name must’ve been Princess Elsa, and she says: “let it go”. Whewwww! However, she then asked us if we had our face shields because, at the time, that was a requirement to enter the country and that we had to show them to her. We did know that we needed face shields and, for some reason, it didn’t even occur to me to buy them until that morning. We stopped at Walgreens and at the gas station prior to the airport but we couldn’t find any. Our plan was to buy them at the Dallas Airport during our layover. After we explained this to her, Bitch McGee was like: “Not on my watch, Greens”. Even though face shields are just required when you land in Lima, she stated that she needed to actually see these stupid-ass plastic pieces of shit with her own eyes. You, navy uniform wearing bishhhhhhhh.

I just couldn’t understand why she couldn’t let us board, if anything, the airport personnel in Dallas should’ve been the one to prevent us from boarding since that was the flight going to Peru. We immediately started panicking and running all over the damn airport: gift shop, vending machines, random employees but the results were negative. We could not find a damn face shield ANYWHERE. Did I mention that there were no other flights to Peru until two days later? And, that my best friend and her husband were already in Peru waiting for us? Yeah, we were PANICKING HARD. I was two seconds away from bawling my eyes out, it was almost boarding time and this mother effing lady was not budging. All of a sudden, like an oasis in the middle of the desert, I see my man floating towards me, on his way back from his begging tour and with the most beautiful face shields I will ever lay eyes on. Somehow, he managed to convince a security airport employee to grab some from his office and just give ‘em to us. Can you imagine almost missing a flight because of a stupid piece of crap that is almost identical to the wrapping toys come in and is thrown in the trash on the daily? My God!! After checking in and showing the shields to the AA antichrist and mentally telling her to “suck it”, we were cutting it real close. We ran to the gate and the plane was already boarding but we made it!

The first flight was about two hours and it landed in Dallas with no delays. For the flight from Dallas to Peru, we decided to pay an additional $100 to upgrade to exit row. Money well spent. The flight was about seven hours and it was a piece of cake. We arrived in Lima really close to midnight and the line for Customs was pretty insane, everyone was wearing their face shields but we didn’t notice anyone actually enforcing it and the flight attendants weren’t even aware of this requirement. Curse you, AA lady! After the one hour wait for Customs, we were able to grab a taxi cab and headed over to our hotel. It was a short 25-minute ride and we arrived at the hotel at 2:00 am. We freaked out when we saw the hotel doors closed and locked with a padlock, luckily, there was still personnel available to check us in. They just lock the doors at night for security purposes.  It was a quick check in process and they gave us a box with some delicious local pastries which we ate and went straight to bed. Crazy travel day, done.

Day Two

This day fell on a Sunday and it also happened to be Mother’s Day during COVID, the trifecta. Peru was on full shutdown for the day, so we didn’t have much choice but to hang out in our hotel. Luckily, we chose the amazingly fabulous Hilton Miraflores for our Lima stay. Miraflores is a great area and I highly recommend it if you plan on staying in Lima for a few days. The hotel serves breakfast from 6:30 am to 10:30 am and it is included with your stay if you are a Hilton Diamond member. Every morning we received a bread basket and fruit, and you have a choice of one main dish. The first morning Hater had eggs huachanos, which was basically eggs with sausage and I had French toast. I could not stop drinking maracuya juice in Peru so I had that with breakfast (maracuya means passion fruit, aka liquid crack). After breakfast, we headed to the rooftop pool and it couldn’t have been more epic. It was a little overcast so we mostly stayed in the hot tub, the views were so great up there and we had the whole area to ourselves. We even witnessed a Mother’s Day love-gram in the neighborhood below.

Even though most restaurants were closed for dine-in, there were plenty of options for delivery. We ordered food from Barra Maretazo, we must’ve gotten everything on the menu. It was delivered rather quick and we took our 84 pounds of carbs and found a great terrace on the same floor as the pool. We had our speaker with some good music, our booze and our grub. There was one tiny little flaw about the hotel, there was no pool bar. Outrageous! We had to keep on heading downstairs to the lobby bar to get drinks and bringing them to the rooftop area. A little naughty since we were told we weren’t supposed to, but we were on vacation. What were we supposed to do? Not drink? RUDE. Do NOT insult me like that. After a few hours in our private terrace, we were found by an employee and we were told we weren’t supposed to be in that area because I guess it was closed. Too late, bruh. We had already used the shit out of it! We decided to go take a shower and exchange our chlorine scent for some perfume and we headed downstairs to the bar area to continue the debauchery. I don’t remember half of it so that must mean I had a jolly good time!

Day Three

Freedom! The Mother’s Day Lockdown was over so we had breakfast at the hotel and headed out to explore Lima. We grabbed an Uber to the Inka market where we bought some ponchos and souvenirs. I pretty much bought accessories for all my outfits during my stay and everything was great quality and very affordable. I would not shut up about buying llama figurines since I left the U.S. and there were plenty of them. I was one happy llama mama!

After the market, we walked to Parque del Amor and relaxed quite a bit enjoying the views of the water. We walked around some more while watching people do some sort of parasailing over a cliff. Suicide squad much? After watching them jump to an inch of their deaths, we walked back towards our hotel.

On our way back to the Hilton, we stopped for drinks at Saha kitchen where they had 2-for-one drinks for happy hour. Maracuya dose administered! We made a quick stop at our hotel to drop off our purchased items and to freshen up.

We then called an Uber to take us to our Peruvian cooking class. We loved, loved, loved our Skykitchen cooking class. Christian and Yurac were fantastic hosts, so funny and so welcoming. The class takes place at their house in the rooftop area, and it is a four-course meal (they have other options that you can choose from). These were the items we cooked: causa, ceviche, lomo saltado and picarones. The class includes a pisco sour drink and they have wine and beer for sale. Not to brag, but my picarones looked legit. I can fry the shit out of a donut. After class was over, my dudes offered us coffee and chit chat. Later, we grabbed an Uber back to the hotel and went to bed early since we had an early flight to Cusco in the morning. Night, night!

FYI – Uber in Peru is CHEAP, and when I say cheap, I mean dirt cheap. I was so confused when I got the receipts, I kept on asking my husband “Is this really in US dollars??” Our Uber rides in Lima (with the exception of the ride from the airport) were never more than $3, I just couldn’t believe it. I still don’t understand how they were making any money with those rates! (We always left the maximum tip amount)

Day Four

Travel day! It was time to fly to Cusco in order to be closer to our goal of seeing another one of the seven Wonders of the World: you know the one! It is very important that you know that there is a huge difference in altitude between Lima and Cusco and that you should really prepare for the possibility of experiencing altitude sickness, also known as Hypoxia. Cusco is located at a whopping 11,152 feet above sea level. That shit is no joke. We scheduled a taxi through the hotel to come pick us up at 4:00 am to take us to the airport. We got there quick and easy, but the airport was fucking packed and it was scary for a hot minute. We were really tight on time, I would recommend being there more than two hours before your flight, if possible.

Latam Airlines had a short line for check-in but the Peruvian equivalent of TSA was HO-RRI-BLE. Big tip: Make sure you pay for your luggage when you book your trip because if you haven’t paid for it when you check in, for extra fun, they send you to yet another line to go pay for it. Cabrones. It was a short little flight from Lima to Cusco; about an hour and change and the altitude greets you by letting you know that your organs are going to be fucked up.

We walked out of the airport and straight to the taxi line to take a cab to the train station. This is where we met our beautiful, Incan angel, Gonzalo.  Gonzalo had a nice comfy van that fit the four of us and our luggage perfectly. We explained to him that we had train tickets and he insisted that was not possible since the train had already left, he took a look at our tickets and told us the “Poroy” station was 40 minutes away and that we would not make it. I guess there is a Cusco station but that train left earlier. Motherbitches! He drove us to his office to figure everything out and to try and continue with our itinerary without having this situation disrupt our plans. We walked out of his office with a ride to the Ollantaytambo train station, new train tickets, Machu Picchu tickets, Rainbow Mountain tour and a private tour to Humantay Lake for $165 per person! Can I get a Hallelujah? He even gave us water, coffee and pastries. This man is going to heaven, VIP line. Here is his information, if you are planning on going to Cusco, Peru, contact him immediately.

Nacho was the driver that Gonzalo had previously arranged for us and he drove us to the Ollantaytambo train station, which was about 1.5 hours away. Our plan was to grab a train to Aguas Calientes that morning and to spend the night there. There are many vendors by the train station selling food, souvenirs and last-minute goodies. I had forgotten to buy a hat and I found one here for $8: Score!!  

There is a very nice waiting area for the Inca Rail train. The train to Aguas Calientes left at exactly 11:15am, five people were actually left behind. Sucks to be slow, suckers! We booked first class seats and we had super comfy seats and large windows to enjoy the vista.

Two important things I should mention:

1. We decided to spend a night in Aguas Calientes because it’s the town that’s closest to Machu Picchu. I know a lot of people decide to stay in Cusco and take the train to Aguas Calientes early in the morning, visit Machu Picchu and then take the train back to Cusco the same day. I must insist that you visit Aguas Calientes, it is a special town and we enjoyed the shit out of it. Hashtag: no regrets.

• This is the first time ever I utilized only a backpack for a trip, normally I always have a roller-bag with me.  Between the plane rides, train rides and switching hotels it was the… Best. Decision. Ever. It was so easy carrying this giant backpack around, especially in Aguas Calientes. It is a very beautiful and unique town situated between towering cliff walls and the town has lots of stairs and steep sidewalks.

We started walking towards our hotel and when we arrived there, we noticed it was closed. What in the actual fuck? El Mapi by Inkaterra Hotel was not open because of remodeling. I was like: “This is it, we got scammed and we are fucked and homeless for the night!”. I was starting to look around for any nice llamas that would take me in for the night, they seem like great cuddlers. We must’ve asked at least eight people and they all told us there was a second hotel with a similar name. We walked all over this town and after scouting for the nicest bench or sidewalk to set camp at, we finally made it to Inkaterra Hotel. Bingo was his name-oh! According to the front desk employee, they contacted us via email to inform us about the change and he insisted this hotel was an actual upgrade from the other one. Ok, whatever, get me some water because I am moody after that long ass walk with a giant backpack. The hotel had complimentary breakfast, one free dinner and one free drink per person. I immediately felt better about the mix up.

After checking into our room, we walked to Mapacho Craft Beer Restaurant for snacks and drinks. The really cool thing about this town is that it is located by the Urubamba River. The smart people of Aguas Calientes built most restaurants and bars with views of the river and it is very special. We sat at a table outside and the river was just putting on a show for us. It was Magical.

After walking around and exploring, we walked back to the hotel for a short nap because we had been up since the crack of dawn. Later, we walked to the hotel’s restaurant for our free dinner. The food was nothing to write home about, but hey, it was free, and it was a few steps from our room. We decided to be smart and go to bed after dinner so we could be fresh as a daisy for the big day.

Day Five

We were told the bus to Machu Picchu started operating at 6:00 am, so we were up and running very early to walk from our hotel to the bus station. It was raining during our walk, so I thought to myself, my hair is going to look fucking awesome in the pictures. At 6:15 am we were standing at the bus station ready to board the bus to the Incan citadel. It was still raining quite a bit, so we bought ponchos in a store that was right in front of the bus station. We were starting to get worried about the rain, but we quickly found out that it is normal for it to rain there during the mornings. Good thing I wore expensive white shoes, huh?! We boarded the bus but we sat there and waited for like 40 minutes before we actually departed. My guess is it was because of COVID, I think the driver was waiting for the bus to be full to leave and there were definitely a lot less tourists during May 2021.

The bus ride was a bit scary because it is quite narrow going uphill, at one point, we had to back up to make room for another bus and we almost shit our pants. But these guys definitely know what they are doing. After a 20-ish minute drive, we were at the entrance of Machu Picchu! We showed our tickets and we were also asked to show our passports, so MAKE SURE you bring your passports with you. As we started our way up, we noticed the sky was very cloudy and the view was obstructed. If this happens to you, do not panic, let me tell you, that is normal. If you arrive early in the morning, you will have to wait for the sky to clear up in order to see this shy boy.

We walked around and made friends with the llamas as we waited for a better view, I think it was around 8:00 am when we could take pictures that showed something other than clouds. Our visit happened during COVID times, so they were very strict about the masks, and we got into some trouble trying to take pictures without our faces covered. Sorry!!

Machu Picchu is gorgeous; we took our time walking around and exploring every corner. The hike is fairly easy, but comfortable shoes are a must. You will be walking for a long time and there are areas where you will have to climb a few steps.

The neat thing is there is one entrance and one exit, so you basically walk your way out at your own pace. We were there for about three hours and that was plenty of time to see everything and take pictures along the way. Even though there were less tourists during COVID, this place was packed. Get there early to avoid the insane stampedes. We walked to the entrance to get back on the bus and there was one all ready to depart and drive back to town.

I should mention that even though we checked out of our hotel at 6:00 am, they were kind enough to hold onto our bags and deliver them to the train station for us. This was incredibly helpful! Our train was leaving at 2:55pm, so we had plenty of time to have lunch and drinks and to go shopping for souvenirs before our train departed and without having to worry about our bags. We booked the train ride through PeruRail this time. Even though this train company was good, after traveling on Inca Rail on our way to Aguas Calientes, I gotta say, Inca Rail is much better. The seats felt way more comfortable and newer.

Gonzalo set up our transportation from the train station back to Cusco which was about 1 hour and 40 minutes. After the drive we arrived at the Hilton hotel, which was about $60 per night. El Cheapo! We were starting the feel the altitude a little bit, so we decided to stay in for dinner. Service was quite slow, but I had a really good potato soup and pizza. Perfect for a tired bitch enduring a headache.

Day Six

Today’s the dayyyyyyyy.  Today, we find out if we will survive Peru or we die trying to climb the Rainbow Mountain. The pickup time for this tour was at 5:00 fucking am, and we stopped twice to pick up other tourists from other hotels. I was in a mood, and then these fuckers took their sweet ass time to come downstairs for pickup.

The total drive to the stop for breakfast was about two hours. It was a small restaurant in a remote village and the breakfast was buffet style (included in the tour price). It included bread, eggs, cheese, and fruit. We realized we underestimated how chilly it would be and we noticed they were selling handmade gloves at the restaurant. Our brains clicked and we asked to purchase some, the price you ask? $2 dollars!

We hopped back on the bus and drove an additional hour to the mountain. The drive was pure madness, narrow roads and cliffs everywhere. My best friend said if she had done more research, she probably wouldn’t have gone. She is quite dramatic. After four long hours, we finally arrived at the bottom of the mountain at 9:00 am. The tour guide started by explaining how extremely hard it is to climb this bitch of a mountain and how so many people are unable to finish it. Sounded so promising already. He offered us all a coca leaf to chew on to help with the altitude issue, and as tempting as it sounded to be high for a hike, I politely declined. The idea of pissing hot during a random drug test at work just didn’t seem super appealing to me. I would much rather be miserable and lethargic. Bring it on!

The hike was motherfucking brutal, and this is me using the nicest words I could find. Lord, why couldn’t you have this mountain accessible to us mortals by car? Or by teleporting? I am convinced I died, and then I miraculously came back to life. I think it took us about four hours to go up and back.

I really don’t know how to describe it, other than, it feels like you are completely out of oxygen while your heart is beating at a rhythm similar to one thousand drums. Most of the climb was flat, but it really feels like you are on a treadmill inclined to level 16. It was all worth it, it is a one-of-a-kind place, and the hard work makes it feel like a big accomplishment.

They do have horses available to bring you back if you are seeing God eye to eye. Our friend had to go back on a horse and it was $10 to do so. On our way back to Cusco, we stopped at the same place we had breakfast and we had some buffet style lunch with a side of Advil.

My husband wrote about his experience in the Rainbow Mountain. Here is what we like to call Hater’s corner:

“I should have hitchhiked and saved myself a heart attack and the worst non-alcohol induced hangover of my life. The Rainbow Mountain parking lot is situated at 16,000 feet above sea level. It is here that you will be offered a mild version of cocaine and smelling salt. It’s only a two-mile hike to your colorful destination and the guia (guide) tells you it will take you two hours to hike to the top. In my head, I’m telling this guy: “you don’t know me, I don’t need your medicine. I’m from Colorado and I can hike two miles in 45 minutes.”  Fast forward 5 hours: F me, I was wrong about that shit, and I probably should have filled my camelback with a concoction of cocaine and smelling salt.  

We left the parking lot and hiked twelve feet to the bathrooms. As we paid our fee to pee in a bucket, my lungs were already begging for oxygen.  

75% of the trail is on a slight incline, the other 25 % can kiss my ass. To say I was walking slow, is an understatement. My watch was concerned for me and actually called an ambulance due to my 148 beats per minute. Unfortunately, the nearest ambulance was an Alpaca with an AED and he was 14 miles away.  

I continued this bludgeoning journey, slow step by slow step.  Occasionally I would be passed by native children asking if I wanted assistance in the form of riding a horse.  If I could have actually used my lungs for speech, I would have had pleaded for them to send two horses to drag my fat-ass up there.  

Two hours later, as the guia predicted, we arrived at the top.  It was nothing short of beautiful, gorgeous, breathtaking and amazing. The mountain is a vibrant tapestry of pastels and seeing it in person was well worth the agony. 

At the top, I ate some locally-prepared potatoes and cheese from one of the local residents.  This lady actually carried up a propane tank, stove, pots and food.  Meanwhile, I could only carry my deflated lungs and a couple dollars for the necessary nourishment.   We were at 17,000 feet, that’s right in the range of where our commercial airplanes fly at. I should have stuck out my thumb and grabbed a ride with the nearest jetliner back to Cusco, because the remainder of the day was hell on earth.  

After some photos to prove that I actually achieved this feat, we headed down and our speed improved, but not by much.  Once we got to the van, I needed to die.  I leaned that chair back and waited for the sweet embrace of death.   Maybe it would come from my heart stopping due to the intense pain or maybe I would drown in the fluid that was surely in my lungs. I tried to send text messages to all my loved ones, but then I remembered I was too cheap to pay for international data on my cellphone, so I just laid there with un-read messages in draft status.  

The rest of our van-mates were apparently in worse shape than my Rican-crew, because those mofos didn’t show up until 45 minutes later. So instead of immediately leaving my personal death zone at 16000 feet, we had to wait for them.  Meanwhile, my head felt like it had a halo of death surrounding it, my chest was sore and I couldn’t take deep breaths. Imagine the worst hangover of your life without the fun of what led to it.  

Once those slow assholes finally showed up, we started the decline in the van. God damn, I didn’t remember the abuse that the van took while going up the bumpy path but I definitely realized it on the way down, because every bump was immediately transferred to my throbbing cabeza.   It was one hour of nothing but rattling and shaking; the noise was deafening. How the hell did this van stay intact? I expected the bolts to come popping out of the interior cabin like champagne corks on New Year’s. The only relief we would get from the barrage of violent shaking and road noise would come when the driver would slam on the brakes to avoid colliding with a herd of Alpacas walking down the middle of the road.  

At one point, I contemplated jumping to the front of the van, grabbing the steering wheel and driving us off the cliff to enjoy the silence of a 3 second free-fall.  But I didn’t, because I would have probably survived the crash and would be eating all of my future meals through a straw. When we finally made it off that rocky dirt road, I couldn’t have been more pleased to drive on smooth asphalt again.  After about three hours, my head’s heartbeat subsided, the liquid had evaporated in my lungs and I no longer wanted to plunge myself off a cliff.  

Would I do that hike again…. f no. Am I glad that I did it…maybe??”

Day Seven

We had booked a tour to Humantay Lake for this day, but after the Rainbow Mountain apocalypse, we decided it was better for our mental health and our marriage, to skip it and take the day off. We had breakfast at our hotel and we were out the door at 10:00am. Our first stop was Mercado San Pedro, which was walking distance from the Hilton Garden Inn. They have amazing local goodies like souvenirs, food, fresh juice, candy, etc. It is a big market and it is a must. We continued exploring and we stopped by the Cathedral, the chocolate factory (Choco Museo), and continued walking to the San Blas neighborhood. On our way there we noticed they have places to make your very own Peruvian dress, I wish I would’ve seen this before going to Machu Picchu.

We continued on to San Blas and it is a climb getting up there, so wear comfy shoes. Our first stop was Aura Restobar. This place has an outside bar with high chairs facing the town. This is where I shine, drinking with a view. They had fun music on and service was impeccable.  I had a few Pisco Sour drinks and my husband and friends had local beers.

We continued our climb up San Blas and ended up the hike at View House Restobar. They have happy hour and food and we didn’t want to leave. They have an area upstairs with amazing views of Cusco. I will give my husband the credit for this place, maybe I will get him a Lululemon outfit to thank him for his service.

After hours spent at View House, we started making our way back to town. We stopped for some shopping at The North Face and we bought so many Peru shirts for so little, not the tacky kinds, but the fun ones. After one more Pisco Sour at Tunupa restaurant, we headed back to our hotel for our COVID test.

The hotel arranged for the nurse to come to the hotel and I have to say, the front desk personnel went above and beyond for us. Not only did they arrange this but they also helped us sort out a misunderstanding with the payments. After that, we took an Uber to Mama Jama for dinner. Sooooo good, seriously. Cusco had a curfew of 9pm and we were there past that, but the waiter was kind enough to arrange a taxi and we were back in our hotel with no issues whatsoever.

Day Eight

After breakfast, we grabbed our bags and walked to the lobby where Gonzalo was waiting for us to take us to the airport. We arrived at the airport rather quickly and the check in was very fast. The airfare for the flight from Cusco to Lima was approximately, $60. We booked the Wyndham Hotel at the airport since our flight to return home the next day was at 5:45am and this hotel was in the parking lot of the airport.

After check in, we took an Uber to have dinner at Central, you know, the restaurant featured in Netflix’s Down to Earth. We got really lucky, when we tried to make reservations, it was fully booked but we joined the waiting list and we were able to get a table. This experience was so special and I recommend it big time. Chef Virgilio is a Michelin rated chef and this restaurant is spectacularly decorated with an amazing ambiance which really pulls you into the inspiration for his dishes. It was approximately, $150 per person and it was an 11-course tasting of foods that he created based on the locality and altitude of various areas of Peru. You can choose to add a drink pairing for an additional cost, which we OBVIOUSLY did! The patron starts with a seafood plate that only has ingredients found at sea-level near Lima. As the dining experience advances, the chef will take you on a tour of areas throughout Peru with a plethora of ingredients only native to that region.  I do not believe you will find a better combination of value, taste and experience from any other restaurants that are as highly touted.   

Day Nine

Our diabolic alarm went off at 2:30am, time to fly home. We walked two minutes to the airport entrance and we were in line at the American Airlines counter for about 50 minutes. It was worth getting there early and I will tell you why. My husband is freakishly tall so we always try to grab the emergency row. We asked if the seats on that row were available while my husband made puppy eyes and the AA employee said “I will be right back, I have to do it in a different computer”. He came back and I swear I could see his halo. He handed us the tickets and tells us to have a safe flight. No charge!! I have officially made my peace with AA, this man totally made up for everything we endured on day one.

There was no line to go through security so we had plenty of time for breakfast. We sat down at La Nacional and shared a tasty egg sandwich. After breakfast, we walked to our gate and boarded our plane with no delays. Peru, it’s been real. We out!