Portugal

Day one

The name of the game is: travel until you almost die. The alarm went off at 4:00 am. Someone please tell my husband how fucking horrendous the iPhone alarm is. Good God, I’d rather get woken up by getting hit in the face with a frying pan.

After the pleasant sound of that, the first thing I did was check my email. I had gotten a COVID test two days before our flight and was still waiting on the results. Surprise, surprise, I got nothing. Cool beans, just how I wanted my morning to go. We were prepared for this, and I had already found a place in Phoenix very close to the airport that had 1-hour results and opened at 6:30 am. Before you ask why I was so stupid and didn’t do 1-hour results the day before, according to our research, we needed the PCR test which can take up to 48 hours. My husband got his results in less than 24 hours and, of course the brown one (me), didn’t get shit. Anyway, we drove two hours and made it to the lab just as they opened. It was a quick drive-thru test, and we were done in ten minutes.

Time to head over to the airport. We could already feel that it was going to be one of those days so, I had my imaginary boxing gloves on and was ready to kick some ass. We started our check-in process with United Airlines, and I was on the phone calling my amigo at the lab because I still didn’t have the results. I panicked but it was a quick fix, he had just sent them to the wrong email address.

Next up, we were told we needed a declaration form required by Belgium, for our layover?? Are you for real, lady? Fine, we stepped aside from the line and proceeded to go online to fill out a declaration form for a country we were seeing from the inside of an airport. Sounds logical. That shit took forever because it asks questions that you don’t even know how to answer, like where you’re staying at. Ummm, gate 28, Terminal 4, you motherfuckers. I’m not staying anywhere in Belgium, man! We walked our happy asses back to the check-in area and now she tells us we need a second declaration form for Portugal. Awesome sauce!! We step away from the line for the second time to go online and fill out more shit.

TIP: make sure you check the traveling requirements before you travel. I have to admit, I had checked but one of the questions on the Portugal form was the seat number and we didn’t have one yet. I figured I could fill it out later. I wasn’t expecting United to ask for all this before boarding. Procrastinating sucks. 

The flight from Phoenix to Chicago was three hours, and the flight to Belgium was eight hours. We snatched the bulkhead seats on both flights, and we had sooo much room for activities. Especially on the long flight, no one sat in the aisle seat. And, we had never experienced coach seats that had a leg rest. I am writing a letter of appreciation to this plane’s designer, on pink paper with glitter on it. Mwah!

During our short layover in Belgium, we had a waffle from a vending machine because Belgian Waffles are totally a thing. I would recommend it on TripAdvisor if I could. Vending machine, Belgium Airport, five shiny stars, would definitely come back. Our last flight of the day was a short 2-hour flight to Porto, Portugal. The Brussels Airlines flight was in a stupid small plane, and a bottle of water was three Euros. What a bargain. Breathe in, breathe out, and just focus on the fact that the flight is short and cheap.

Once we arrived in Porto, the bags were very quick but the process for picking up our rental car was a giant pain in the taco. The shuttle ride was very short but the line to pick up was insane, there must’ve been at least thirty people in front of us. Sleep deprived and running on a Belgian waffle, patience was very thin, but we survived. The drive to the Hilton Porto Gaia Hotel was only twenty minutes. It had parking, it was walking distance to all the fun, and we were upgraded to a bigger room.

We decided to man up and start exploring right away. No rest for the wicked and whatnot, right? Item one on our to-do list, try some Porto wine. We walked to Ramos Pinto Winery, we shared a wine flight, and it was enjoyable for sure. That Belgian waffle was starting to evaporate in my stomach, so our next stop was Taberninha Do Manel. I tried bacalao (cod fish) and creamy goat cheese. There are many restaurants and bars to choose from and the area is very lively. We shared some sangria, and our eyes were slowly shutting down, so we decided to call it a night.

Our cheap souls would not let us miss our hotel’s happy hour, so we stopped for a drink, but at that point, we were definitely corpses. I think we finally passed out at 8:00 pm. How were we even alive?!?!

Day two

We slept! Eyeballs were tucked away until 10:00am, minus a minor insomnia break in the middle of the night, but for the most part, restful bliss. Our breakfast was included because of our diamond status, but it’s usually $18 per person. It was buffet style and it had plenty of options, including an omelet station.

After breakfast, we walked to the teleferico station to take a ride up and see Porto from above. The price for a round trip was $9 and we enjoyed the ride, literally. Afterwards, we visited the Dos Clerigos tower and that was $6 per person.

While we were up in the tower looking down at the city, I spotted a nice little bar, because I have eyes like a hawk when it comes to alcohol. Just call me Lush #1. I told my husband that was our next stop, and I heard no complaints from Lush #2.

I have zero sense of direction, but my husband is a human compass, so he found that bar fast. The name of the bar is Base and it was just amazing. It’s an outdoor area with lounge music and magically delicious sangria. We sat on the grass and they had small tables and pillows to make it feel almost like a picnic. I loved their white sangria, the music, the vibe, todo.  It was also very close to Livraria Lello, the library that inspired Harry Potter’s bookstore, but the line was fucking long so we just walked by it and looked from outside. It is a very popular spot and if you have the time and the patience, I suggest you go inside.

For lunch, we stopped at Adega Sao Nicolau, which was a cute little spot with good reviews. My carnivore husband had veal and I had octopus done right!  We continued on to have drinks at Ribeira’s Porto Restaurante. We sat outside and enjoyed the view of the water and the bridge and lots of street performers. The drink of choice was sangria once again and I could just bathe in it: it was that good.

We walked around a little bit after that and grabbed some ice cream and “take away” beer by the water. Then we crossed the bridge and decided to try a rooftop we saw from the teleferico, Espaco Porto Cruz. The bouncer told us it was full but to come back in a few minutes. We sat at an outdoor bar nearby and waited until the line was gone and boom, up we went. Music was hitting different, and the sangria was hitting even better. The place was a blast, and the view of Porto at night was stunning. This bar is a must, we stayed for a while.

On our way back to our hotel, our drunk asses stopped at Bacalao factory because the cheesy, touristy things are important too. This place is hard to miss, and it has multiple locations. I ordered a glass of wine and the infamous codfish croquette. I dropped my codfish croquette on the carpet almost immediately and that’s how I knew it was definitely time to call it a night.

Day Three

After twelve gallons of sangria the previous night, it was quite hard to get up. We had some breakfast at the hotel and dragged our dehydrated bodies to the indoor pool. That was massage heaven, that was one special pool. We felt a lot better and, thank God, because we had a road trip waiting for us.

The husband drove us safely to our second stop of the trip, Douro Valley. The hotel we chose was Vallado Casa do Rio, a quaint, small hotel in the middle of the countryside. This is one spectacular hotel, and I’m not just saying that because they offer free wine tasting. Well, kind of, it definitely doesn’t hurt. We checked in and the manager went above and beyond to make us feel welcome.

The hotel sits in front of a lake and kayaks are complimentary for hotel guests. We enjoyed the complimentary bottle of local wine in our room, and we even purchased additional bottles because it was that good. The complimentary wine tasting was at 5pm, and we couldn’t get enough so we chose to have dinner at 8pm as an excuse to slam more wine. It was $45 per person, and it included wine, bread, appetizers and three more courses. The appetizers included cheese, chickpeas, and tempura green bean from the hotel’s garden. The main entrees included a spinach puff, veal carpaccio, and tuna steak, and for dessert we had apple crumble. A++++++. And for $45, I feel like I robbed those poor people. Please don’t call the cops on us!

Day Four

Our hotel provided complimentary breakfast, so we partook on that before checking out. The breakfast was buffet style with eggs to order. The pool was incredibly cold in March, and I am not ashamed to admit that I got in for the gram. I mean, it was just too perfect for an attention whore like me. Hypothermia is just a made-up word, right?

The next stop of our road trip was Nazaré, and that drive from Douro Valley took three hours. This stop was my husband’s idea after watching an HBO special about the tallest waves ever surfed, called ”100 Foot Wave.” We checked into our little hotel, Mar Bravo, and we opened one of our Douro Valley wine bottles and enjoyed the gorgeous view of the ocean from our balcony. We took the funicular to access the location with the best views of the waves, the lighthouse.

Those waves were nuts, no, I think the ocean was on crack. It was intense, and truly majestic. There is also a cave with information about some of the famous surfers that have been to Nazaré to ride the deadly waves. We decided to skip the return funicular and just walk back.  We stopped at a spot for pictures halfway down the mountain at a swing with an incredible view of the beach and the city. After the pics, we walked straight to the beach to enjoy a Portuguese sunset. The town offers plenty of restaurants with fresh seafood, so we stopped at the nearest one before ending our night.

Day Five

I love a complimentary breakfast, and complimentary breakfast was had. After that, we drove to Lisbon which was about an hour and a half away from Nazaré. Lisbon was going to be the last stop of our trip, so we returned our rental car and checked into our hotel. The first order of business was an Aperol Spritz because your bitch is as basic as they come. We walked to Time Out Market and we enjoyed that vibe quite a bit. They have many options for food and bars as far as meets the eye. I had amazing codfish, and the old ball and chain surprised me with a slice of chocolate cake to celebrate another year of being alive and not dying of alcohol poisoning (aka my birthday).

The second order of business was a Tuk tuk tour of the city, might as well get a t-shirt that says “Hello, I’m a fucking tourist.” Our driver, Carlos, was fantastic.

We stopped at a beautiful church, some vantage points with amazing views of the city and he took us to have Ginja liquor shots in tiny dark chocolate cups. I didn’t even know that was a thing, so I was so appreciative on him introducing us to those. His IG handle is @worldtravellerlisbontuktuker if you want to contact him, which you definitely should.

This night was on my actual birthday, and we decided to go for a traditional fado dinner. My good friend who lives in Lisbon recommended Parreirinha de Alfama. I felt like I was living in a beautiful book and embraced all their culture, all the way. What a beautiful evening! The food, the live music, and of course, the wine coursing through my veins. I am cultured as fuck, man. Happy birthday to this island girl from around the world!

Day Six

In Lisbon, our hotel was the Hilton Emerald House because, Diamond Status, duh. The location was hard to beat; everything was either walking distance or a short Uber ride away. On this day, it was raining cats and dogs, but we decided to man up and go see the Belem Tower. We had to stand in the rain to purchase tickets, and basically walk through a river to be able to go inside. Most of the Tower is outdoors, but we were able to walk around and take pictures when weather started cooperating. I got soaked, and it was cold. But did I die? No, the fuck I didn’t. Can’t waste a minute when you have limited time while traveling.

The remainder of our afternoon consisted of some shopping around Avenida de Liberdade and pizza at Pizza Romana BIO. The rain continued so we had to seek refuge at bars with actual walls and roofs. The George Bar had a roof, open seats and live music. Three out of three! We watched a soccer, I mean FUTBOL game, like locals and then we moved on to the next bar. Here’s the thing, we LOVE Irish bars and no matter where we are in the world, we always gravitate to Ireland roots. The magic of Google led us to O’Gilins Irish Pub. It was pretty packed but eventually, we found a table and ordered some Jameson and chips. We get our drinks, and we are waiting on our chips and all of a sudden, the live music starts. My fucking mind was blown into smithereens. BEST IRISH BAR EVER! Flutes guys, flutes! I have been to Ireland, and I have never seen such a cool Irish bar in my life. I still watch videos of the musical set and I pee my panties a little bit. I know it sounds bizarre, someone recommending an Irish Bar in Portugal, I am confident with my decision to push this to the top of the list. Cross my heart.

Now let me tell you about the hilarious story about the battle between chips and “chips”. There are these Irish potato chips called Tatos. We order them at every Irish bar and there isn’t anything special about them but for us, it just makes a bar legit. We asked our waitress for chips and she was taking forever. We had our drinks and no Tatos, so we asked her for an update on the thinly sliced spuds. A few minutes later, here comes the waitress with a giant plate of French fries. So, the bar was legit, legit Irish. Chips mean fries and we should’ve asked for crisps. Fucking Americans and their botched language, aye. We ate both the fries and the crisps and partied until 2 AM or some shit. We partied hard, like the Irish wannabes that we are. The Greens need to live up to their name and that they did. THAT. WE. DID.

Day Seven

It was raining again so we decided to relax in our room and wait for the storm to pass since I didn’t bring my rain boots on this trip and my pleather jacket wasn’t really cutting it. After the weather got slightly better, we walked to Batata Dolce for lunch. This is a popular place for locals, and it seemed like a lot of them were there for their lunch breaks. We had to wait to be seated but it was so worth it. Another fantastic choice for the Greens. We received complimentary bread and I stuck to the vegetarian dish and my hubs told the waiter to go ahead and choose for him. Once again, TripAdvisor got it the fuck right. After adding more fat to my midsection, we took an Uber to Queluz Palace. We got really lucky because this place was empty AF. The entry fee per person was $10 and that was cheap because this palace was beautiful and there was so much to see. It was giving French vibes, without the long ass lines. We enjoyed late drinks at Graca Do Vinho, a small wine bar with so much charm and all the wine a bitch desires. I liked it mucho.

Oh, Oh, and before I forget. Do not leave Lisbon without having pastel de nata at Pastéis de Belém. This little guy is probably the long lost child of a custard after having a forbidden affair with a créme brulée. Get in my belly, you sexy, little beast.

Day Eight

Dude, Portugal was the best trip for resting. We slept past 9:30am every single day. Should we start referring to each other as mama bear and papa bear? Eww, I just read that, never mind.

We took an Uber to the beach after breakfast and had lunch and drinks at Irmão. What a gorgeous place it was, it’s the boho chic restaurant of my dreams. I feel like in the future we could rent a house in this area in the summer and walk to Irmão every single day, or maybe I can set up a tent in front of it. Be the hippie I’ve always wanted to be, the world needs more fringe. We ordered two pitchers of sangria, a burger and some chicken for sixty-six Euros.

It was a lovely afternoon; the beach just fills my soul with peace. On our way back, we stopped at the famous Cristo Rei. You know, the other Christ the Redeemer. Next stop, a boat tour. The cost per person was $40 with wine included for two hours. Listen, I love me some boats so I might be biased, but it was awesome. The tour included a history lesson from the tour guides and cool views of the other Golden Gate Bridge. You know, the European version.

I told myself I was done drinking for the trip, but when they started flashing the complimentary vino verde in my face, I had to let my inner raging alcoholic loose. Do not leave Portugal without indulging in some vino verde, don’t let me down.

To end the night and the trip we decided to go to dinner at Amelia. This restaurant is popular for brunch, but that’s my favorite meal of all meals so I decided to make a boss move and have brunch at 8 PM.

That’s right, I am the boss of me. The items of choice were margaritas, guacamole shrimp tacos, and ramen. Ok, maybe not brunch items but humor me, please. Let me tell you, I am now changing my middle name to Amelia, and naming my next dog Amelia. And my dog’s puppies will also be named Amelia. I am a big fan. The food was perfect, and the place is IG paradise. Girly, beautiful, chic, all the things an influencer at heart appreciates. As sad as it was to leave, we grabbed an Uber back to our hotel and made the adult decision to be in bed at decent time so we could be bright-eyed and bushy-tailed for our early flight the next day.

Day Nine

Here we go, 6 AM wakeup call, Lord save me. Our Uber ride to the airport was about twenty-five minutes. We checked in for our flight and the United Airlines employee tells us that the bags would be $70 each way. Hater had a United Airlines credit card that got us free bags so thank God for plastic. The security line at the airport was maybe fifteen minutes long, but beware, make sure you don’t stay shopping after security because there’s another line for customs waiting. Then there’s another line for passport control to enter your gate, and finally, a super necessary 4th passport check during boarding! We had a one-hour delay for our flight to Newark, but it was a great flight overall in the first row of Economy Plus. We had tons of room, had pancakes and eggs, and a small turkey sando before landing (or in my case, plain bread was the vegan option). I guess it was time to go home until the next trip in maybe, oh, I don’t know, 30 days?

Obrigada!