Island Girl Around the World

Portugal

Day one

The name of the game is: travel until you almost die. The alarm went off at 4:00 am. Someone please tell my husband how fucking horrendous the iPhone alarm is. Good God, I’d rather get woken up by getting hit in the face with a frying pan.

After the pleasant sound of that, the first thing I did was check my email. I had gotten a COVID test two days before our flight and was still waiting on the results. Surprise, surprise, I got nothing. Cool beans, just how I wanted my morning to go. We were prepared for this, and I had already found a place in Phoenix very close to the airport that had 1-hour results and opened at 6:30 am. Before you ask why I was so stupid and didn’t do 1-hour results the day before, according to our research, we needed the PCR test which can take up to 48 hours. My husband got his results in less than 24 hours and, of course the brown one (me), didn’t get shit. Anyway, we drove two hours and made it to the lab just as they opened. It was a quick drive-thru test, and we were done in ten minutes.

Time to head over to the airport. We could already feel that it was going to be one of those days so, I had my imaginary boxing gloves on and was ready to kick some ass. We started our check-in process with United Airlines, and I was on the phone calling my amigo at the lab because I still didn’t have the results. I panicked but it was a quick fix, he had just sent them to the wrong email address.

Next up, we were told we needed a declaration form required by Belgium, for our layover?? Are you for real, lady? Fine, we stepped aside from the line and proceeded to go online to fill out a declaration form for a country we were seeing from the inside of an airport. Sounds logical. That shit took forever because it asks questions that you don’t even know how to answer, like where you’re staying at. Ummm, gate 28, Terminal 4, you motherfuckers. I’m not staying anywhere in Belgium, man! We walked our happy asses back to the check-in area and now she tells us we need a second declaration form for Portugal. Awesome sauce!! We step away from the line for the second time to go online and fill out more shit.

TIP: make sure you check the traveling requirements before you travel. I have to admit, I had checked but one of the questions on the Portugal form was the seat number and we didn’t have one yet. I figured I could fill it out later. I wasn’t expecting United to ask for all this before boarding. Procrastinating sucks.

The flight from Phoenix to Chicago was three hours, and the flight to Belgium was eight hours. We snatched the bulkhead seats on both flights, and we had sooo much room for activities. Especially on the long flight, no one sat in the aisle seat. And, we had never experienced coach seats that had a leg rest. I am writing a letter of appreciation to this plane’s designer, on pink paper with glitter on it. Mwah!

During our short layover in Belgium, we had a waffle from a vending machine because Belgian Waffles are totally a thing. I would recommend it on TripAdvisor if I could. Vending machine, Belgium Airport, five shiny stars, would definitely come back. Our last flight of the day was a short 2-hour flight to Porto, Portugal. The Brussels Airlines flight was in a stupid small plane, and a bottle of water was three Euros. What a bargain. Breathe in, breathe out, and just focus on the fact that the flight is short and cheap.

Once we arrived in Porto, the bags were very quick but the process for picking up our rental car was a giant pain in the taco. The shuttle ride was very short but the line to pick up was insane, there must’ve been at least thirty people in front of us. Sleep deprived and running on a Belgian waffle, patience was very thin, but we survived. The drive to the Hilton Porto Gaia Hotel was only twenty minutes. It had parking, it was walking distance to all the fun, and we were upgraded to a bigger room.

We decided to man up and start exploring right away. No rest for the wicked and whatnot, right? Item one on our to-do list, try some Porto wine. We walked to Ramos Pinto Winery, we shared a wine flight, and it was enjoyable for sure. That Belgian waffle was starting to evaporate in my stomach, so our next stop was Taberninha Do Manel. I tried bacalao (cod fish) and creamy goat cheese. There are many restaurants and bars to choose from and the area is very lively. We shared some sangria, and our eyes were slowly shutting down, so we decided to call it a night.

Our cheap souls would not let us miss our hotel’s happy hour, so we stopped for a drink, but at that point, we were definitely corpses. I think we finally passed out at 8:00 pm. How were we even alive?!?!

Day two

We slept! Eyeballs were tucked away until 10:00am, minus a minor insomnia break in the middle of the night, but for the most part, restful bliss. Our breakfast was included because of our diamond status, but it’s usually $18 per person. It was buffet style and it had plenty of options, including an omelet station.

After breakfast, we walked to the teleferico station to take a ride up and see Porto from above. The price for a round trip was $9 and we enjoyed the ride, literally. Afterwards, we visited the Dos Clerigos tower and that was $6 per person.

While we were up in the tower looking down at the city, I spotted a nice little bar, because I have eyes like a hawk when it comes to alcohol. Just call me Lush #1. I told my husband that was our next stop, and I heard no complaints from Lush #2.

I have zero sense of direction, but my husband is a human compass, so he found that bar fast. The name of the bar is Base and it was just amazing. It’s an outdoor area with lounge music and magically delicious sangria. We sat on the grass and they had small tables and pillows to make it feel almost like a picnic. I loved their white sangria, the music, the vibe, todo. It was also very close to Livraria Lello, the library that inspired Harry Potter’s bookstore, but the line was fucking long so we just walked by it and looked from outside. It is a very popular spot and if you have the time and the patience, I suggest you go inside.

For lunch, we stopped at Adega Sao Nicolau, which was a cute little spot with good reviews. My carnivore husband had veal and I had octopus done right! We continued on to have drinks at Ribeira’s Porto Restaurante. We sat outside and enjoyed the view of the water and the bridge and lots of street performers. The drink of choice was sangria once again and I could just bathe in it: it was that good.

We walked around a little bit after that and grabbed some ice cream and “take away” beer by the water. Then we crossed the bridge and decided to try a rooftop we saw from the teleferico, Espaco Porto Cruz. The bouncer told us it was full but to come back in a few minutes. We sat at an outdoor bar nearby and waited until the line was gone and boom, up we went. Music was hitting different, and the sangria was hitting even better. The place was a blast, and the view of Porto at night was stunning. This bar is a must, we stayed for a while.

On our way back to our hotel, our drunk asses stopped at Bacalao factory because the cheesy, touristy things are important too. This place is hard to miss, and it has multiple locations. I ordered a glass of wine and the infamous codfish croquette. I dropped my codfish croquette on the carpet almost immediately and that’s how I knew it was definitely time to call it a night.

Day Three

After twelve gallons of sangria the previous night, it was quite hard to get up. We had some breakfast at the hotel and dragged our dehydrated bodies to the indoor pool. That was massage heaven, that was one special pool. We felt a lot better and, thank God, because we had a road trip waiting for us.

The husband drove us safely to our second stop of the trip, Douro Valley. The hotel we chose was Vallado Casa do Rio, a quaint, small hotel in the middle of the countryside. This is one spectacular hotel, and I’m not just saying that because they offer free wine tasting. Well, kind of, it definitely doesn’t hurt. We checked in and the manager went above and beyond to make us feel welcome.

The hotel sits in front of a lake and kayaks are complimentary for hotel guests. We enjoyed the complimentary bottle of local wine in our room, and we even purchased additional bottles because it was that good. The complimentary wine tasting was at 5pm, and we couldn’t get enough so we chose to have dinner at 8pm as an excuse to slam more wine. It was $45 per person, and it included wine, bread, appetizers and three more courses. The appetizers included cheese, chickpeas, and tempura green bean from the hotel’s garden. The main entrees included a spinach puff, veal carpaccio, and tuna steak, and for dessert we had apple crumble. A++++++. And for $45, I feel like I robbed those poor people. Please don’t call the cops on us!

Day Four

Our hotel provided complimentary breakfast, so we partook on that before checking out. The breakfast was buffet style with eggs to order. The pool was incredibly cold in March, and I am not ashamed to admit that I got in for the gram. I mean, it was just too perfect for an attention whore like me. Hypothermia is just a made-up word, right?

The next stop of our road trip was Nazaré, and that drive from Douro Valley took three hours. This stop was my husband’s idea after watching an HBO special about the tallest waves ever surfed, called ”100 Foot Wave.” We checked into our little hotel, Mar Bravo, and we opened one of our Douro Valley wine bottles and enjoyed the gorgeous view of the ocean from our balcony. We took the funicular to access the location with the best views of the waves, the lighthouse.

Those waves were nuts, no, I think the ocean was on crack. It was intense, and truly majestic. There is also a cave with information about some of the famous surfers that have been to Nazaré to ride the deadly waves. We decided to skip the return funicular and just walk back. We stopped at a spot for pictures halfway down the mountain at a swing with an incredible view of the beach and the city. After the pics, we walked straight to the beach to enjoy a Portuguese sunset. The town offers plenty of restaurants with fresh seafood, so we stopped at the nearest one before ending our night.

Day Five

I love a complimentary breakfast, and complimentary breakfast was had. After that, we drove to Lisbon which was about an hour and a half away from Nazaré. Lisbon was going to be the last stop of our trip, so we returned our rental car and checked into our hotel. The first order of business was an Aperol Spritz because your bitch is as basic as they come. We walked to Time Out Market and we enjoyed that vibe quite a bit. They have many options for food and bars as far as meets the eye. I had amazing codfish, and the old ball and chain surprised me with a slice of chocolate cake to celebrate another year of being alive and not dying of alcohol poisoning (aka my birthday).

The second order of business was a Tuk tuk tour of the city, might as well get a t-shirt that says “Hello, I’m a fucking tourist.” Our driver, Carlos, was fantastic.

We stopped at a beautiful church, some vantage points with amazing views of the city and he took us to have Ginja liquor shots in tiny dark chocolate cups. I didn’t even know that was a thing, so I was so appreciative on him introducing us to those. His IG handle is @worldtravellerlisbontuktuker if you want to contact him, which you definitely should.

This night was on my actual birthday, and we decided to go for a traditional fado dinner. My good friend who lives in Lisbon recommended Parreirinha de Alfama. I felt like I was living in a beautiful book and embraced all their culture, all the way. What a beautiful evening! The food, the live music, and of course, the wine coursing through my veins. I am cultured as fuck, man. Happy birthday to this island girl from around the world!

Day Six

In Lisbon, our hotel was the Hilton Emerald House because, Diamond Status, duh. The location was hard to beat; everything was either walking distance or a short Uber ride away. On this day, it was raining cats and dogs, but we decided to man up and go see the Belem Tower. We had to stand in the rain to purchase tickets, and basically walk through a river to be able to go inside. Most of the Tower is outdoors, but we were able to walk around and take pictures when weather started cooperating. I got soaked, and it was cold. But did I die? No, the fuck I didn’t. Can’t waste a minute when you have limited time while traveling.

The remainder of our afternoon consisted of some shopping around Avenida de Liberdade and pizza at Pizza Romana BIO. The rain continued so we had to seek refuge at bars with actual walls and roofs. The George Bar had a roof, open seats and live music. Three out of three! We watched a soccer, I mean FUTBOL game, like locals and then we moved on to the next bar. Here’s the thing, we LOVE Irish bars and no matter where we are in the world, we always gravitate to Ireland roots. The magic of Google led us to O’Gilins Irish Pub. It was pretty packed but eventually, we found a table and ordered some Jameson and chips. We get our drinks, and we are waiting on our chips and all of a sudden, the live music starts. My fucking mind was blown into smithereens. BEST IRISH BAR EVER! Flutes guys, flutes! I have been to Ireland, and I have never seen such a cool Irish bar in my life. I still watch videos of the musical set and I pee my panties a little bit. I know it sounds bizarre, someone recommending an Irish Bar in Portugal, I am confident with my decision to push this to the top of the list. Cross my heart.

Now let me tell you about the hilarious story about the battle between chips and “chips”. There are these Irish potato chips called Tatos. We order them at every Irish bar and there isn’t anything special about them but for us, it just makes a bar legit. We asked our waitress for chips and she was taking forever. We had our drinks and no Tatos, so we asked her for an update on the thinly sliced spuds. A few minutes later, here comes the waitress with a giant plate of French fries. So, the bar was legit, legit Irish. Chips mean fries and we should’ve asked for crisps. Fucking Americans and their botched language, aye. We ate both the fries and the crisps and partied until 2 AM or some shit. We partied hard, like the Irish wannabes that we are. The Greens need to live up to their name and that they did. THAT. WE. DID.

Day Seven

It was raining again so we decided to relax in our room and wait for the storm to pass since I didn’t bring my rain boots on this trip and my pleather jacket wasn’t really cutting it. After the weather got slightly better, we walked to Batata Dolce for lunch. This is a popular place for locals, and it seemed like a lot of them were there for their lunch breaks. We had to wait to be seated but it was so worth it. Another fantastic choice for the Greens. We received complimentary bread and I stuck to the vegetarian dish and my hubs told the waiter to go ahead and choose for him. Once again, TripAdvisor got it the fuck right. After adding more fat to my midsection, we took an Uber to Queluz Palace. We got really lucky because this place was empty AF. The entry fee per person was $10 and that was cheap because this palace was beautiful and there was so much to see. It was giving French vibes, without the long ass lines. We enjoyed late drinks at Graca Do Vinho, a small wine bar with so much charm and all the wine a bitch desires. I liked it mucho.

Oh, Oh, and before I forget. Do not leave Lisbon without having pastel de nata at Pastéis de Belém. This little guy is probably the long lost child of a custard after having a forbidden affair with a créme brulée. Get in my belly, you sexy, little beast.

Day Eight

Dude, Portugal was the best trip for resting. We slept past 9:30am every single day. Should we start referring to each other as mama bear and papa bear? Eww, I just read that, never mind.

We took an Uber to the beach after breakfast and had lunch and drinks at Irmão. What a gorgeous place it was, it’s the boho chic restaurant of my dreams. I feel like in the future we could rent a house in this area in the summer and walk to Irmão every single day, or maybe I can set up a tent in front of it. Be the hippie I’ve always wanted to be, the world needs more fringe. We ordered two pitchers of sangria, a burger and some chicken for sixty-six Euros.

It was a lovely afternoon; the beach just fills my soul with peace. On our way back, we stopped at the famous Cristo Rei. You know, the other Christ the Redeemer. Next stop, a boat tour. The cost per person was $40 with wine included for two hours. Listen, I love me some boats so I might be biased, but it was awesome. The tour included a history lesson from the tour guides and cool views of the other Golden Gate Bridge. You know, the European version.

I told myself I was done drinking for the trip, but when they started flashing the complimentary vino verde in my face, I had to let my inner raging alcoholic loose. Do not leave Portugal without indulging in some vino verde, don’t let me down.

To end the night and the trip we decided to go to dinner at Amelia. This restaurant is popular for brunch, but that’s my favorite meal of all meals so I decided to make a boss move and have brunch at 8 PM.

That’s right, I am the boss of me. The items of choice were margaritas, guacamole shrimp tacos, and ramen. Ok, maybe not brunch items but humor me, please. Let me tell you, I am now changing my middle name to Amelia, and naming my next dog Amelia. And my dog’s puppies will also be named Amelia. I am a big fan. The food was perfect, and the place is IG paradise. Girly, beautiful, chic, all the things an influencer at heart appreciates. As sad as it was to leave, we grabbed an Uber back to our hotel and made the adult decision to be in bed at decent time so we could be bright-eyed and bushy-tailed for our early flight the next day.

Day Nine

Here we go, 6 AM wakeup call, Lord save me. Our Uber ride to the airport was about twenty-five minutes. We checked in for our flight and the United Airlines employee tells us that the bags would be $70 each way. Hater had a United Airlines credit card that got us free bags so thank God for plastic. The security line at the airport was maybe fifteen minutes long, but beware, make sure you don’t stay shopping after security because there’s another line for customs waiting. Then there’s another line for passport control to enter your gate, and finally, a super necessary 4th passport check during boarding! We had a one-hour delay for our flight to Newark, but it was a great flight overall in the first row of Economy Plus. We had tons of room, had pancakes and eggs, and a small turkey sando before landing (or in my case, plain bread was the vegan option). I guess it was time to go home until the next trip in maybe, oh, I don’t know, 30 days?

Obrigada!

Turkey

My husband has the travel bug as bad as I have it, but sometimes he plays hard to get and makes me beg to go visit certain countries. Turkey was one of those places, he insisted that he didn’t think it was a safe place to visit and he was just very stubborn about skipping it. Someone please get this man a social media account! I had to sit him down for two hours and hold his eyelids open while showing him gorgeous pictures of hot air balloons until he finally gave in. I will not be stopped on my quest to see 50 countries by year 2028! I was also lucky that airfare decreased dramatically in 2021 and we were able to book flights with very few miles with United and Turkish Airlines. I got myself an overpriced red dress and I was ready for the adventure!

Travel Day

Our first flight was from Phoenix to Chicago, and it was about three hours long; easy like Sunday morning. However, our layover was rather short, and we had to switch terminals via bus. We were power walking through Chicago O’Hare like it was go time on Black Friday, huffing and puffing and sweating through our Lululemons. Miraculously, we made our connection. We had no delays, and we actually made that tight connection. Could the traveling gods have really aligned so perfectly for us? Stay tuned…

Istanbul – Day One

The Turkish Airlines flight from Chicago to Istanbul was approximately ten hours and the plane had several open seats. I thought it was great, but my freakishly tall husband disagreed. There wasn’t much room for his flamingo legs, even though the middle seat was open, he struggled. What do I know about his struggles? I’m 5’5” on a good day.

We arrived in Istanbul and made our way to Customs, and I was ready to explain that I wasn’t trying to enter the country in possession of an exotic bird, that it was just my long-legged husband, but luckily, they didn’t ask any questions. The line for Customs was about fifteen minutes, thank you again travel gods. I was starting to get suspicious.

We walked to baggage claim all excited to get our suitcases and we saw bag, after bag, after bag, and no sight of our shit anywhere. This is the part where the suspicion became a full on fucked up reality. Our bags didn’t make it to Turkey. Fuck my lifeeeeeeeee, bro. Every single piece of clothing we packed was five thousand miles away. As soon as I was able to breathe, we walked to the Turkish Airlines counter to find a solution. We were told that our bags would be in Turkey the next day, I knew that Chicago layover was a joke. We walked away with our heads down, our spirits destroyed and one outfit that already smelled of cheap airplane wine and bad deodorant.

As we walked outside to find our ride to the hotel, I really considered asking the driver to stop at a mosque so I could pray that my overpriced red dress would make it to Turkey in time for my inner Gigi Hadid to come out. We only had three days in Istanbul and I was not feeling too hopeful.

The driver we had booked in advance was already waiting for us, which was not shocking considering the fact that we waited on our bags for what felt like ten hours. He had a very comfortable van; they are very common in Turkey and I suggest you hop on one of those instead of grabbing a taxi. There is no Uber in Turkey and even if you try the app and it lets you use it, beware of scams. The drivers will contact you and ask for a different rate than what is shown on there.

The drive to our hotel was nice, we booked the Hilton because we like getting points for our stays and because we have status, which also gives us free breakfast and access to the executive lounge. By the time we were checked in, it was already nighttime and we needed to get some clothes to survive. There was a shopping area that was walking distance from our hotel, so we headed over there. The stores were about to close so I bought a few random things from Zara and prayed yet again that they would work. This was already turning out to be such a spiritual trip, lots of praying.

We headed back to the hotel and went to the executive lounge which had a lot of options for beverages including wine, beer and hard liquor. They had a great amount of food too, and I can’t believe I am saying this but the best baklava of the entire trip!

We filled our glasses of wine all the way to the rim and took them to go. We sat out on our room’s balcony wearing our robes, with our free wine and listening to an outdoor concert that we could hear from our room. Not a bad way to end the first night, I was starting to see the glass half full, we could wear robes the next day! Fuck it. This particular glass was half full with wine!

Istanbul – Day Two

My husband has a friend in Istanbul that we were planning on visiting during our stay and he told us that there was going to be a Formula One race in Turkey during our stay. Say no more, tickets were bought and plans for Sunday funday were made. We took a private shuttle to the race, and it took about two hours to arrive. It was an amazing day for loud cars and testing our COVID vaccine. This place was packed, and that is the understatement of the decade. It was a blast, though. The choices for food were very limited and there were no alcoholic beverages in sight, and still, it was awesome sauce.

The drive back was a little longer because of traffic, it took us about three and a half hours to get back. We were dropped off by Taksim square and had dinner at Hatay Medeniyetler, a touristy, tacky place. I didn’t think it was special, but my husband really liked it and he is the meat eater in this family. They have a whole chicken that is cooked inside a giant block of salt, and they bring it to the table inside that block and it is set ablaze. That chicken was on fire, literally. If you like cool videos of food, knock yourself out.

Istanbul – Day Three

On this day we were still dealing with jetlag, so we decided to sleep in. The first thing I checked when we woke up was if our bags were magically left in our room while we slept, kind of like a Turkish Airlines tooth fairy. That was not the case. Alright, time to brighten up my mood, let’s go take pictures so I can brag about being in Turkey even though I didn’t even have a fresh pair of underwear. I told my husband I wanted to take pictures in an authentic Turkish rooftop.

I had seen online that a lot of people went to Taht Istanbul for pictures, and I knew that place is just a photo studio with a backdrop, it’s not an actual rooftop. I wanted to avoid that type of place. I found the perfect place for what I wanted: Santiye Café. We grabbed a cab there and my mood was exponentially better. The place is a restaurant, but you don’t have to stay and eat if you don’t want to. The rooftop is a separate area upstairs and you just pay a small fee to have access to it. You can take your own pictures or pay to have them take your pictures with their camera. I don’t know, but these pictures scream Turkey to me, you be the judge!

After doing my favorite thing to do, we walked around to find a place for my second favorite thing to do, EAT. We stopped at Mimar Sinan Café for lunch and the food was not bad, but definitely go for the VIEW.

It was now time to walk and explore some more. We wanted to go to the mosque and as we were walking, Hater got attacked by a feisty feline. This time, not a woman, and actual kitty just came out of nowhere and scratched the shit out of his leg. Cats have a good radar. Once we arrived at the Blue Mosque, we took off our shoes and walked inside. Umm, question. Is this it? The place was beyond anticlimactic. No disrespect, but it seemed to be a very small area where you can walk around. It must’ve been under construction when we visited. That must’ve taken us ten minutes, including taking off our shoes and putting them back on. Moving on!

The Grand Bazaar is a must and we checked that box right away. Freshly squeezed juice everywhere, my favorite! Plenty of souvenirs, jewelry, and not my cup of tea, but a LOT of designer bag replicas. NOT for me, dog; but I am passing along the information for those who like that type of stuff.

After that, we headed over to Hagia Sophia, now we’re talking! This is a beautiful mosque; it is a decent size, and it has gorgeous ceilings. We had trouble finding a cab here so we ended up walking quite a bit and made it to Sirkeci square. It was here where we finally found a cab.

Once we got back to our hotel, we decided to give the Indian restaurant at the Hilton a try. Well, why the fuck did we wait so long to visit this place? Listen to this bitch, do not walk to Dubb Indian Restaurant, but RUN there. OFF. THE. CHARTS. Wow, wow, wow. And as if this night couldn’t get any better, right before we went to bed someone knocked on our door and it was my bag! Oh, it was time to shine now.

Istanbul – Day Four

We had our fresh new clothes so it was time to clean our nasty bodies with a Turkish bath! There are multiple places to choose from, I decided to try Cukurcuma Hamami.

Hater wanted to add his two cents about his experience so here’s what he wrote on his online review:

As I began to type this review, these were my wife’s words “I smell so clean.” This was a great experience. It’s a combo of a skin scrub, and a relaxing bubble foam bath intertwined with a massage. The cost was approximately $45 per person. We spent about an hour there and they provide some detoxifying beverages and a trail mix type snack.

You start by changing into disposable bikini/shorts they provide, and you lock your belongings in a room upstairs. After you change, you go downstairs and relax for a few minutes. You are then escorted into a washroom where you pour water on yourself for approximately 10 minutes. You then are taken into the main room where the staff scrubs away the dead skin, and have you lay down on the slab where you are covered in soap and massaged. After the massage you are rinsed off and taken back to the original relaxation room where you have time to melt into the soft beds. Our masseuses were Ibrahim and Sirin. It’s very common for guys to wash guys and women to wash women here, so don’t that let intimidate you if you are squeamish about that setup.

It was absolute bliss. If they had Turkish baths near my house, I would go every week. After having ten pounds of dead skin scrubbed off, we walked 20 minutes to our hotel.

We enjoyed the executive lounge again before walking to the port to grab our sunset cruise. The cruise staff offered us fruit, nuts, lemonade, water and baklava. They also had wine and other booze for an additional cost. It was a 2-hour ride where you can see Turkey from the water and where you can actually see two continents at the same time: Europe and Asia! Pretty cool.

After that, we walked to the Swissotel Bosphorus Hotel for some drinks. The rooftop bar has beautiful views and tasty strawberry hurricane drinks. I would go as far as saying that it is a bar you should not miss when you go to Istanbul. Immediately after, we took a taxi to our hotel and we stopped at Dubb again for some Aperol spritz and appetizers. Don’t judge me, I couldn’t get enough of that place!

FYI – The Hilton Bosphorus Hotel offers breakfast from 7:30am to 11:00am and the executive lounge operates from 3:00pm to 5:00pm, and they are open again from 8:00pm until 11:00pm for drinks.

Cappadocia – Day Five

We made arrangements beforehand to have transportation to the Istanbul Airport and our pickup was at 10:45am. Turkish Airlines has several flights from Istanbul to Cappadocia every day, the cost for our plane tickets was about $100 round trip per person. There was no line for checking in and no line for Customs. When we checked in at the airline counter, my bag was 20 kgs and my husband’s bag was 22 kgs but somehow, he was 10 kgs over. Maybe the airline employee meant it was combined weight, I don’t fucking know. Anyway, my husband starts pulling out toiletries and shoes and I’m standing there thinking: “Is he just going to hold that shit on his lap during the flight or what?” I asked how much the excess baggage fees would be and she says 120TL. Seriously, that’s $12! I told my hater to put all the shit back in the bag and pay the damn $12.

We were at our gate 1.5 hours before departure, it was definitely smooth and quick making it through the Istanbul Airport. We decided to fly to Nevsehir Airport because it was just a 40-minute drive to Goreme, Cappadocia; which is the town where you will want to stay at. There is a second option to Kayseri Airport, but the drive into town is 20 minutes longer. It’s nice to have a second option in case flights are sold out or if you are on a tight budget and want to save a few bucks.

Once we boarded, we immediately noticed that the plane had absolutely no leg room, but an hour flight was doable, and they gave us sandwiches, salad and juice. Hey, give me free food to stuff my face with and I won’t mind tearing my meniscus. Knees are overrated anyway.

We landed in Nevsehir and it was a small airport, so baggage claim was very easy and very fast (Chicago O’Hare, take fucking notes!). We walked outside and grabbed a shuttle to our Cappadocia hotel for the insane amount of $8 per person. The drive was painless and the views as you approach Cappadocia are breathtaking. We were dropping off passenger after passenger and every hotel looked like a cave from Aladdin. “Whoooo disturbsss my sluuuumberrr?” Sorry, I had to.

We checked into the Zara Cave Hotel that afternoon; the nightly rate was 125 euros and it included breakfast. Our room was very comfortable and it had a balcony; you couldn’t beat that location. But I was disappointed that a Zara hotel didn’t have an actual Zara clothing store in it, posers! (Just joking, I am not that stupid).

It was close to various restaurants, shops and bars. The concierge, Emhre, was extremely friendly and helpful. He even contacted me via WhatsApp before we arrived to ask if we needed help with any excursions or recommendations. Class Act. He recommended Dibek for dinner and on our way we went. The restaurant has a very cool Cappadocia vibe. We sat down and ordered the hummus platter and the traditional pottery kebabs, which are these clay pots filled with meat, vegetables or chicken. The waitress brought our food and I thought “get the fuck out of here with your perfect food”. Hater got the chicken and I got the veggie pot, they break the clay pot with a tiny hammer and pour the contents on top of white rice. Holy fucking yum. I wouldn’t shut up about how good that food was.

After dinner, we walked to Fat Boys for drinks, really random name I must admit. We sat outside to enjoy that cool, crisp Cappadocia air. We ordered two beers and two glasses of wine and our check was $15. “Excuse me sir, do you franchise?”

Cappadocia – Day Six

Psycho me booked a photographer to take us to see the hot air balloons up close and personal and to take pictures of us living our best lives. He told us he would pick us up at 5:30am, so we had an early as shit 4:40am wake up call. Our cold, sleepy asses were at the lobby waiting right on time but there was no sight of our driver/photographer anywhere. I was starting to get anxious because everyone else was getting picked up except for us. I am definitely not a morning person, but I have this alter ego when I travel and her name is Planas and Planas needs to be the first one out the door, always. I started texting the guy, I sent him a DM on Instagram, I almost sent a raven with a note when he finally answered and I could tell that there was a miscommunication somewhere. He said the photographer would arrive soon but you could tell he called someone last minute to help him out. Either way, we had someone with a camera to drive us around and who knew exactly where to go. I was happy. Mustafa showed up at 6:15am and we were on our way. The drive to the area where the balloons take off from was about 10 minutes away. It was very exciting seeing everyone setting up while it was still dark as fuck outside. Here’s the thing, even though you wake up at the crack of dawn, you don’t even know if the balloons will actually take off. Every morning, the pilots have to wait for a formal authorization to fly and that depends on the weather. If I remember correctly, wind can’t be anything over 8 miles per hour in order for the balloons to be cleared for takeoff. We anxiously waited for that little green light and all of a sudden, we hear people clapping and cheering. It was time to fly, bitches. Get your camera ready, Mustafa. A total of 150 balloons fly every morning and we followed them around for about two hours. It was everything I dreamed of and more.

Mustafa was friends with one of the most popular companies and he made sure to include us in the whole experience. We got free champagne, snacks and a medal! This was all meant for the people that rode a hot air balloon that morning but that’s how much of a badass our photographer was. After the balloons landed, we drove back to our hotel and sat at a cafe nearby where Mustafa transferred all the pictures to my phone. If you want the most fun, dedicated, friendly photographer, his email is cappadociapers@hotmail.com. The cost for his amazing service was $300, please keep in mind this was in October 2021 and rates have probably changed.

After this amazing morning, we walked back to our room to take a nap. Later, we walked to the air museum and explored a little bit there.

After that, we walked back to town and stopped at Haruna for drinks with a side of supersized sunset views. There is no bad wine in Cappadocia, so we ordered a bottle for $25 and some appetizers. Our waiter was amazing and he brought us some blankets when it started to get a little chilly. The place is bougie, but it is not expensive. Haruna has it all! Go, go right now!

We decided to continue trying new places so we walked to Red Red Wine House for some great service, smiling faces and horrible fucking wine. I spoke too soon when I said there was no bad wine in Cappadocia. I really wanted to like it because everyone was so nice, but I would be lying if I said that wine was drinkable. They did have complimentary Doritos, though! Our last stop of the night was Pumpkin for dinner. This is a very popular restaurant, and you can tell it’s a family-owned restaurant filled with pride and love. They brought us complimentary bread, salad and soup. We ordered a bottle of wine because we are who we are. Good luck waking up at 5:00am tomorrow. I had the penne pasta, which was delicioso, and Hater ordered the meat clay pot but said that, compared to the previous night, it was just meh. Once you have eaten at Dibek, it is easy to be disappointed by other clay pot dishes, so try and order something else at Pumpkin and you will be perfectly fine. I loved the fact that the owner’s dog roams around and that I discovered eating baklava with ice cream is a thing. Magnificent!

Epic day, guys. EPIC.

Cappadocia – Day Seven

Our amazing concierge arranged the hot air balloon ride for us and the pickup time was set for 5:40am. We drove about 15 minutes to the boarding location. Once again, the anxiety was at a 10 out of 10 waiting to be approved for takeoff. We were standing there cold and desperate and then it was ON. Permission granted. Let’s go! Take off was at 6:30am. At first, I was feeling like I had made a horrible decision and that I had paid $150 to die from a heart attack, but after a few minutes: magic. This is a once in a lifetime experience, one of those special things that you don’t even think was going to end up being in your list of things you recommend to everyone you meet from that point on. I can still see it very vividly, how we were floating, surrounded by balloons everywhere we looked, how the sun wasn’t out yet and you could see the fire in each balloon almost in unison, it was like LOOKING at a song.

Later that afternoon, we walked to the Sunset View Point for what else…sunset views. It was a bit of a hike up there, but it is a very popular spot for a reason. It is the place to be when that sun starts painting the sky in special shades of orange.

On our way back, we stopped at Organic Wine House for drinks and appetizers. If I haven’t emphasized this before, Turkey is very inexpensive. We paid $6.59 for tasty Turkish quesadillas and mushroom caps. The drinks had to be ordered separately, and that was $18 for two beers and 2 glasses of wine. My chatty Cathy husband ended up talking to the bartender for quite a bit and she was so sweet. Then again, she was from Australia and Aussies are probably the nicest people after the Irish. Do not skip this place!

Apparently, we had no end in Cappadocia so we decided to go to one more place before calling it a night. Ar Selten is located at the Sultan Cave Hotel and they have, in my not so humble opinion, the best rooftop in town. It is massive and it has views like Oprah has money. Lady luck must’ve been on our side because we arrived on a night where they had live music. Did I mention that they let dogs come to almost every bar in Cappadocia? I could cry writing this right now, this is the world I want to live in. Places like this one just remind me that there is still good and love in the world. This one dog was just sleeping like a log on the couch, like a human! Can I go back in time and just get married here, with this same band, on this same night, with this same buzz and with this dog as my wedding officiant? We ordered a bottle of wine, drank, listened to music, petted a dog and had baklava with ice cream. What else could you want? Go ahead and take the leftover wine with you while you’re at it. They encourage it!

Istanbul – Day Eight

We had a 6:00 am wakeup call so we could do a quick photo session in the rooftop of our hotel. Listen, hot air balloons are very unpredictable because whether they fly or not, depends on the weather. We must have a horseshoe up our arses because we had gorgeous views of balloons every single morning during our stay, and I wasn’t about to waste that view! After a few pictures (and only a couple times of my husband rolling his eyes at me), we had a quick breakfast and sprinted to the entrance to wait for our ride.

Our hotel arranged the shuttle to the airport for 8:00 am and it was a quick ride. The short flight from Cappadocia to Istanbul was painless and quick. As always, we had a song for the trip, the Turkey song was “Shiver” by Ed Sheeran. So, when we hear that song now, all I can think of is hot air balloons and baklava! You know you make me shiverrrr, errr, errr.

Our last day in Istanbul was very mellow, we walked to a park near our hotel and had pizza, not much to report. Time to go home to our dogs!

Travel Day

Our final airport day of the trip has arrived! Tip: If you want to claim the taxes you paid during your shopping spree in Turkey at the airport, make sure you arrive very early because the lines are long, we skipped it because we don’t have a lot of patience that early in the morning. We walked away cussing them and with $50 in taxes that we would’ve received back. Grrrrr. We boarded that plane and did not look back, because we know we will 100% be back to Turkey in the future. Next stop: USA.

NOTE: Three months later we received a check from United Airlines to refund us for the clothes we had to buy because of our lost bags. This was after multiple phone calls and submitting receipts and forms more than once. The refund was less than what we spent; they did not pay for my makeup which I honestly consider to be a huge necessity. I am convinced that our claim was handled by a man because who in their right mind goes three days without makeup? Am I right, ladies? Am I right?

Peru

Day One

The most stressful travel day of my entire life. Holy fucking American Airlines, man. We got to the airport 1.5 hours before departure and when we check in at the airline counter, the precious little AA employee immediately tells us that we have the wrong COVID test; lovely. According to her, our test was not the one Peru required for entry. She calls her manager, whose name must’ve been Princess Elsa, and she says: “let it go”. Whewwww! However, she then asked us if we had our face shields because, at the time, that was a requirement to enter the country and that we had to show them to her. We did know that we needed face shields and, for some reason, it didn’t even occur to me to buy them until that morning. We stopped at Walgreens and at the gas station prior to the airport but we couldn’t find any. Our plan was to buy them at the Dallas Airport during our layover. After we explained this to her, Bitch McGee was like: “Not on my watch, Greens”. Even though face shields are just required when you land in Lima, she stated that she needed to actually see these stupid-ass plastic pieces of shit with her own eyes. You, navy uniform wearing bishhhhhhhh.

I just couldn’t understand why she couldn’t let us board, if anything, the airport personnel in Dallas should’ve been the one to prevent us from boarding since that was the flight going to Peru. We immediately started panicking and running all over the damn airport: gift shop, vending machines, random employees but the results were negative. We could not find a damn face shield ANYWHERE. Did I mention that there were no other flights to Peru until two days later? And, that my best friend and her husband were already in Peru waiting for us? Yeah, we were PANICKING HARD. I was two seconds away from bawling my eyes out, it was almost boarding time and this mother effing lady was not budging. All of a sudden, like an oasis in the middle of the desert, I see my man floating towards me, on his way back from his begging tour and with the most beautiful face shields I will ever lay eyes on. Somehow, he managed to convince a security airport employee to grab some from his office and just give ‘em to us. Can you imagine almost missing a flight because of a stupid piece of crap that is almost identical to the wrapping toys come in and is thrown in the trash on the daily? My God!! After checking in and showing the shields to the AA antichrist and mentally telling her to “suck it”, we were cutting it real close. We ran to the gate and the plane was already boarding but we made it!

The first flight was about two hours and it landed in Dallas with no delays. For the flight from Dallas to Peru, we decided to pay an additional $100 to upgrade to exit row. Money well spent. The flight was about seven hours and it was a piece of cake. We arrived in Lima really close to midnight and the line for Customs was pretty insane, everyone was wearing their face shields but we didn’t notice anyone actually enforcing it and the flight attendants weren’t even aware of this requirement. Curse you, AA lady! After the one hour wait for Customs, we were able to grab a taxi cab and headed over to our hotel. It was a short 25-minute ride and we arrived at the hotel at 2:00 am. We freaked out when we saw the hotel doors closed and locked with a padlock, luckily, there was still personnel available to check us in. They just lock the doors at night for security purposes. It was a quick check in process and they gave us a box with some delicious local pastries which we ate and went straight to bed. Crazy travel day, done.

Day Two

This day fell on a Sunday and it also happened to be Mother’s Day during COVID, the trifecta. Peru was on full shutdown for the day, so we didn’t have much choice but to hang out in our hotel. Luckily, we chose the amazingly fabulous Hilton Miraflores for our Lima stay. Miraflores is a great area and I highly recommend it if you plan on staying in Lima for a few days. The hotel serves breakfast from 6:30 am to 10:30 am and it is included with your stay if you are a Hilton Diamond member. Every morning we received a bread basket and fruit, and you have a choice of one main dish. The first morning Hater had eggs huachanos, which was basically eggs with sausage and I had French toast. I could not stop drinking maracuya juice in Peru so I had that with breakfast (maracuya means passion fruit, aka liquid crack). After breakfast, we headed to the rooftop pool and it couldn’t have been more epic. It was a little overcast so we mostly stayed in the hot tub, the views were so great up there and we had the whole area to ourselves. We even witnessed a Mother’s Day love-gram in the neighborhood below.

Even though most restaurants were closed for dine-in, there were plenty of options for delivery. We ordered food from Barra Maretazo, we must’ve gotten everything on the menu. It was delivered rather quick and we took our 84 pounds of carbs and found a great terrace on the same floor as the pool. We had our speaker with some good music, our booze and our grub. There was one tiny little flaw about the hotel, there was no pool bar. Outrageous! We had to keep on heading downstairs to the lobby bar to get drinks and bringing them to the rooftop area. A little naughty since we were told we weren’t supposed to, but we were on vacation. What were we supposed to do? Not drink? RUDE. Do NOT insult me like that. After a few hours in our private terrace, we were found by an employee and we were told we weren’t supposed to be in that area because I guess it was closed. Too late, bruh. We had already used the shit out of it! We decided to go take a shower and exchange our chlorine scent for some perfume and we headed downstairs to the bar area to continue the debauchery. I don’t remember half of it so that must mean I had a jolly good time!

Day Three

Freedom! The Mother’s Day Lockdown was over so we had breakfast at the hotel and headed out to explore Lima. We grabbed an Uber to the Inka market where we bought some ponchos and souvenirs. I pretty much bought accessories for all my outfits during my stay and everything was great quality and very affordable. I would not shut up about buying llama figurines since I left the U.S. and there were plenty of them. I was one happy llama mama!

After the market, we walked to Parque del Amor and relaxed quite a bit enjoying the views of the water. We walked around some more while watching people do some sort of parasailing over a cliff. Suicide squad much? After watching them jump to an inch of their deaths, we walked back towards our hotel.

On our way back to the Hilton, we stopped for drinks at Saha kitchen where they had 2-for-one drinks for happy hour. Maracuya dose administered! We made a quick stop at our hotel to drop off our purchased items and to freshen up.

We then called an Uber to take us to our Peruvian cooking class. We loved, loved, loved our Skykitchen cooking class. Christian and Yurac were fantastic hosts, so funny and so welcoming. The class takes place at their house in the rooftop area, and it is a four-course meal (they have other options that you can choose from). These were the items we cooked: causa, ceviche, lomo saltado and picarones. The class includes a pisco sour drink and they have wine and beer for sale. Not to brag, but my picarones looked legit. I can fry the shit out of a donut. After class was over, my dudes offered us coffee and chit chat. Later, we grabbed an Uber back to the hotel and went to bed early since we had an early flight to Cusco in the morning. Night, night!

FYI – Uber in Peru is CHEAP, and when I say cheap, I mean dirt cheap. I was so confused when I got the receipts, I kept on asking my husband “Is this really in US dollars??” Our Uber rides in Lima (with the exception of the ride from the airport) were never more than $3, I just couldn’t believe it. I still don’t understand how they were making any money with those rates! (We always left the maximum tip amount)

Day Four

Travel day! It was time to fly to Cusco in order to be closer to our goal of seeing another one of the seven Wonders of the World: you know the one! It is very important that you know that there is a huge difference in altitude between Lima and Cusco and that you should really prepare for the possibility of experiencing altitude sickness, also known as Hypoxia. Cusco is located at a whopping 11,152 feet above sea level. That shit is no joke. We scheduled a taxi through the hotel to come pick us up at 4:00 am to take us to the airport. We got there quick and easy, but the airport was fucking packed and it was scary for a hot minute. We were really tight on time, I would recommend being there more than two hours before your flight, if possible.

Latam Airlines had a short line for check-in but the Peruvian equivalent of TSA was HO-RRI-BLE. Big tip: Make sure you pay for your luggage when you book your trip because if you haven’t paid for it when you check in, for extra fun, they send you to yet another line to go pay for it. Cabrones. It was a short little flight from Lima to Cusco; about an hour and change and the altitude greets you by letting you know that your organs are going to be fucked up.

We walked out of the airport and straight to the taxi line to take a cab to the train station. This is where we met our beautiful, Incan angel, Gonzalo. Gonzalo had a nice comfy van that fit the four of us and our luggage perfectly. We explained to him that we had train tickets and he insisted that was not possible since the train had already left, he took a look at our tickets and told us the “Poroy” station was 40 minutes away and that we would not make it. I guess there is a Cusco station but that train left earlier. Motherbitches! He drove us to his office to figure everything out and to try and continue with our itinerary without having this situation disrupt our plans. We walked out of his office with a ride to the Ollantaytambo train station, new train tickets, Machu Picchu tickets, Rainbow Mountain tour and a private tour to Humantay Lake for $165 per person! Can I get a Hallelujah? He even gave us water, coffee and pastries. This man is going to heaven, VIP line. Here is his information, if you are planning on going to Cusco, Peru, contact him immediately.

Nacho was the driver that Gonzalo had previously arranged for us and he drove us to the Ollantaytambo train station, which was about 1.5 hours away. Our plan was to grab a train to Aguas Calientes that morning and to spend the night there. There are many vendors by the train station selling food, souvenirs and last-minute goodies. I had forgotten to buy a hat and I found one here for $8: Score!!

There is a very nice waiting area for the Inca Rail train. The train to Aguas Calientes left at exactly 11:15am, five people were actually left behind. Sucks to be slow, suckers! We booked first class seats and we had super comfy seats and large windows to enjoy the vista.

Two important things I should mention:

We decided to spend a night in Aguas Calientes because it’s the town that’s closest to Machu Picchu. I know a lot of people decide to stay in Cusco and take the train to Aguas Calientes early in the morning, visit Machu Picchu and then take the train back to Cusco the same day. I must insist that you visit Aguas Calientes, it is a special town and we enjoyed the shit out of it. Hashtag: no regrets.

This is the first time ever I utilized only a backpack for a trip, normally I always have a roller-bag with me. Between the plane rides, train rides and switching hotels it was the… Best. Decision. Ever. It was so easy carrying this giant backpack around, especially in Aguas Calientes. It is a very beautiful and unique town situated between towering cliff walls and the town has lots of stairs and steep sidewalks.

We started walking towards our hotel and when we arrived there, we noticed it was closed. What in the actual fuck? El Mapi by Inkaterra Hotel was not open because of remodeling. I was like: “This is it, we got scammed and we are fucked and homeless for the night!”. I was starting to look around for any nice llamas that would take me in for the night, they seem like great cuddlers. We must’ve asked at least eight people and they all told us there was a second hotel with a similar name. We walked all over this town and after scouting for the nicest bench or sidewalk to set camp at, we finally made it to Inkaterra Hotel. Bingo was his name-oh! According to the front desk employee, they contacted us via email to inform us about the change and he insisted this hotel was an actual upgrade from the other one. Ok, whatever, get me some water because I am moody after that long ass walk with a giant backpack. The hotel had complimentary breakfast, one free dinner and one free drink per person. I immediately felt better about the mix up.

After checking into our room, we walked to Mapacho Craft Beer Restaurant for snacks and drinks. The really cool thing about this town is that it is located by the Urubamba River. The smart people of Aguas Calientes built most restaurants and bars with views of the river and it is very special. We sat at a table outside and the river was just putting on a show for us. It was Magical.

After walking around and exploring, we walked back to the hotel for a short nap because we had been up since the crack of dawn. Later, we walked to the hotel’s restaurant for our free dinner. The food was nothing to write home about, but hey, it was free, and it was a few steps from our room. We decided to be smart and go to bed after dinner so we could be fresh as a daisy for the big day.

Day Five

We were told the bus to Machu Picchu started operating at 6:00 am, so we were up and running very early to walk from our hotel to the bus station. It was raining during our walk, so I thought to myself, my hair is going to look fucking awesome in the pictures. At 6:15 am we were standing at the bus station ready to board the bus to the Incan citadel. It was still raining quite a bit, so we bought ponchos in a store that was right in front of the bus station. We were starting to get worried about the rain, but we quickly found out that it is normal for it to rain there during the mornings. Good thing I wore expensive white shoes, huh?! We boarded the bus but we sat there and waited for like 40 minutes before we actually departed. My guess is it was because of COVID, I think the driver was waiting for the bus to be full to leave and there were definitely a lot less tourists during May 2021.

The bus ride was a bit scary because it is quite narrow going uphill, at one point, we had to back up to make room for another bus and we almost shit our pants. But these guys definitely know what they are doing. After a 20-ish minute drive, we were at the entrance of Machu Picchu! We showed our tickets and we were also asked to show our passports, so MAKE SURE you bring your passports with you. As we started our way up, we noticed the sky was very cloudy and the view was obstructed. If this happens to you, do not panic, let me tell you, that is normal. If you arrive early in the morning, you will have to wait for the sky to clear up in order to see this shy boy.

We walked around and made friends with the llamas as we waited for a better view, I think it was around 8:00 am when we could take pictures that showed something other than clouds. Our visit happened during COVID times, so they were very strict about the masks, and we got into some trouble trying to take pictures without our faces covered. Sorry!!

Machu Picchu is gorgeous; we took our time walking around and exploring every corner. The hike is fairly easy, but comfortable shoes are a must. You will be walking for a long time and there are areas where you will have to climb a few steps.

The neat thing is there is one entrance and one exit, so you basically walk your way out at your own pace. We were there for about three hours and that was plenty of time to see everything and take pictures along the way. Even though there were less tourists during COVID, this place was packed. Get there early to avoid the insane stampedes. We walked to the entrance to get back on the bus and there was one all ready to depart and drive back to town.

I should mention that even though we checked out of our hotel at 6:00 am, they were kind enough to hold onto our bags and deliver them to the train station for us. This was incredibly helpful! Our train was leaving at 2:55pm, so we had plenty of time to have lunch and drinks and to go shopping for souvenirs before our train departed and without having to worry about our bags. We booked the train ride through PeruRail this time. Even though this train company was good, after traveling on Inca Rail on our way to Aguas Calientes, I gotta say, Inca Rail is much better. The seats felt way more comfortable and newer.

Gonzalo set up our transportation from the train station back to Cusco which was about 1 hour and 40 minutes. After the drive we arrived at the Hilton hotel, which was about $60 per night. El Cheapo! We were starting the feel the altitude a little bit, so we decided to stay in for dinner. Service was quite slow, but I had a really good potato soup and pizza. Perfect for a tired bitch enduring a headache.

Day Six

Today’s the dayyyyyyyy. Today, we find out if we will survive Peru or we die trying to climb the Rainbow Mountain. The pickup time for this tour was at 5:00 fucking am, and we stopped twice to pick up other tourists from other hotels. I was in a mood, and then these fuckers took their sweet ass time to come downstairs for pickup.

The total drive to the stop for breakfast was about two hours. It was a small restaurant in a remote village and the breakfast was buffet style (included in the tour price). It included bread, eggs, cheese, and fruit. We realized we underestimated how chilly it would be and we noticed they were selling handmade gloves at the restaurant. Our brains clicked and we asked to purchase some, the price you ask? $2 dollars!

We hopped back on the bus and drove an additional hour to the mountain. The drive was pure madness, narrow roads and cliffs everywhere. My best friend said if she had done more research, she probably wouldn’t have gone. She is quite dramatic. After four long hours, we finally arrived at the bottom of the mountain at 9:00 am. The tour guide started by explaining how extremely hard it is to climb this bitch of a mountain and how so many people are unable to finish it. Sounded so promising already. He offered us all a coca leaf to chew on to help with the altitude issue, and as tempting as it sounded to be high for a hike, I politely declined. The idea of pissing hot during a random drug test at work just didn’t seem super appealing to me. I would much rather be miserable and lethargic. Bring it on!

The hike was motherfucking brutal, and this is me using the nicest words I could find. Lord, why couldn’t you have this mountain accessible to us mortals by car? Or by teleporting? I am convinced I died, and then I miraculously came back to life. I think it took us about four hours to go up and back.

I really don’t know how to describe it, other than, it feels like you are completely out of oxygen while your heart is beating at a rhythm similar to one thousand drums. Most of the climb was flat, but it really feels like you are on a treadmill inclined to level 16. It was all worth it, it is a one-of-a-kind place, and the hard work makes it feel like a big accomplishment.

They do have horses available to bring you back if you are seeing God eye to eye. Our friend had to go back on a horse and it was $10 to do so. On our way back to Cusco, we stopped at the same place we had breakfast and we had some buffet style lunch with a side of Advil.

My husband wrote about his experience in the Rainbow Mountain. Here is what we like to call Hater’s corner:

“I should have hitchhiked and saved myself a heart attack and the worst non-alcohol induced hangover of my life. The Rainbow Mountain parking lot is situated at 16,000 feet above sea level. It is here that you will be offered a mild version of cocaine and smelling salt. It’s only a two-mile hike to your colorful destination and the guia (guide) tells you it will take you two hours to hike to the top. In my head, I’m telling this guy: “you don’t know me, I don’t need your medicine. I’m from Colorado and I can hike two miles in 45 minutes.” Fast forward 5 hours: F me, I was wrong about that shit, and I probably should have filled my camelback with a concoction of cocaine and smelling salt.

We left the parking lot and hiked twelve feet to the bathrooms. As we paid our fee to pee in a bucket, my lungs were already begging for oxygen.

75% of the trail is on a slight incline, the other 25 % can kiss my ass. To say I was walking slow, is an understatement. My watch was concerned for me and actually called an ambulance due to my 148 beats per minute. Unfortunately, the nearest ambulance was an Alpaca with an AED and he was 14 miles away.

I continued this bludgeoning journey, slow step by slow step. Occasionally I would be passed by native children asking if I wanted assistance in the form of riding a horse. If I could have actually used my lungs for speech, I would have had pleaded for them to send two horses to drag my fat-ass up there.

Two hours later, as the guia predicted, we arrived at the top. It was nothing short of beautiful, gorgeous, breathtaking and amazing. The mountain is a vibrant tapestry of pastels and seeing it in person was well worth the agony.

At the top, I ate some locally-prepared potatoes and cheese from one of the local residents. This lady actually carried up a propane tank, stove, pots and food. Meanwhile, I could only carry my deflated lungs and a couple dollars for the necessary nourishment. We were at 17,000 feet, that’s right in the range of where our commercial airplanes fly at. I should have stuck out my thumb and grabbed a ride with the nearest jetliner back to Cusco, because the remainder of the day was hell on earth.

After some photos to prove that I actually achieved this feat, we headed down and our speed improved, but not by much. Once we got to the van, I needed to die. I leaned that chair back and waited for the sweet embrace of death. Maybe it would come from my heart stopping due to the intense pain or maybe I would drown in the fluid that was surely in my lungs. I tried to send text messages to all my loved ones, but then I remembered I was too cheap to pay for international data on my cellphone, so I just laid there with un-read messages in draft status.

The rest of our van-mates were apparently in worse shape than my Rican-crew, because those mofos didn’t show up until 45 minutes later. So instead of immediately leaving my personal death zone at 16000 feet, we had to wait for them. Meanwhile, my head felt like it had a halo of death surrounding it, my chest was sore and I couldn’t take deep breaths. Imagine the worst hangover of your life without the fun of what led to it.

Once those slow assholes finally showed up, we started the decline in the van. God damn, I didn’t remember the abuse that the van took while going up the bumpy path but I definitely realized it on the way down, because every bump was immediately transferred to my throbbing cabeza. It was one hour of nothing but rattling and shaking; the noise was deafening. How the hell did this van stay intact? I expected the bolts to come popping out of the interior cabin like champagne corks on New Year’s. The only relief we would get from the barrage of violent shaking and road noise would come when the driver would slam on the brakes to avoid colliding with a herd of Alpacas walking down the middle of the road.

At one point, I contemplated jumping to the front of the van, grabbing the steering wheel and driving us off the cliff to enjoy the silence of a 3 second free-fall. But I didn’t, because I would have probably survived the crash and would be eating all of my future meals through a straw. When we finally made it off that rocky dirt road, I couldn’t have been more pleased to drive on smooth asphalt again. After about three hours, my head’s heartbeat subsided, the liquid had evaporated in my lungs and I no longer wanted to plunge myself off a cliff.

Would I do that hike again…. f no. Am I glad that I did it…maybe??”

Day Seven

We had booked a tour to Humantay Lake for this day, but after the Rainbow Mountain apocalypse, we decided it was better for our mental health and our marriage, to skip it and take the day off. We had breakfast at our hotel and we were out the door at 10:00am. Our first stop was Mercado San Pedro, which was walking distance from the Hilton Garden Inn. They have amazing local goodies like souvenirs, food, fresh juice, candy, etc. It is a big market and it is a must. We continued exploring and we stopped by the Cathedral, the chocolate factory (Choco Museo), and continued walking to the San Blas neighborhood. On our way there we noticed they have places to make your very own Peruvian dress, I wish I would’ve seen this before going to Machu Picchu.

We continued on to San Blas and it is a climb getting up there, so wear comfy shoes. Our first stop was Aura Restobar. This place has an outside bar with high chairs facing the town. This is where I shine, drinking with a view. They had fun music on and service was impeccable. I had a few Pisco Sour drinks and my husband and friends had local beers.

We continued our climb up San Blas and ended up the hike at View House Restobar. They have happy hour and food and we didn’t want to leave. They have an area upstairs with amazing views of Cusco. I will give my husband the credit for this place, maybe I will get him a Lululemon outfit to thank him for his service.

After hours spent at View House, we started making our way back to town. We stopped for some shopping at The North Face and we bought so many Peru shirts for so little, not the tacky kinds, but the fun ones. After one more Pisco Sour at Tunupa restaurant, we headed back to our hotel for our COVID test.

The hotel arranged for the nurse to come to the hotel and I have to say, the front desk personnel went above and beyond for us. Not only did they arrange this but they also helped us sort out a misunderstanding with the payments. After that, we took an Uber to Mama Jama for dinner. Sooooo good, seriously. Cusco had a curfew of 9pm and we were there past that, but the waiter was kind enough to arrange a taxi and we were back in our hotel with no issues whatsoever.

Day Eight

After breakfast, we grabbed our bags and walked to the lobby where Gonzalo was waiting for us to take us to the airport. We arrived at the airport rather quickly and the check in was very fast. The airfare for the flight from Cusco to Lima was approximately, $60. We booked the Wyndham Hotel at the airport since our flight to return home the next day was at 5:45am and this hotel was in the parking lot of the airport.

Lima Airport across the street from the Wyndham Hotel.

After check in, we took an Uber to have dinner at Central, you know, the restaurant featured in Netflix’s Down to Earth. We got really lucky, when we tried to make reservations, it was fully booked but we joined the waiting list and we were able to get a table. This experience was so special and I recommend it big time. Chef Virgilio is a Michelin rated chef and this restaurant is spectacularly decorated with an amazing ambiance which really pulls you into the inspiration for his dishes. It was approximately, $150 per person and it was an 11-course tasting of foods that he created based on the locality and altitude of various areas of Peru. You can choose to add a drink pairing for an additional cost, which we OBVIOUSLY did! The patron starts with a seafood plate that only has ingredients found at sea-level near Lima. As the dining experience advances, the chef will take you on a tour of areas throughout Peru with a plethora of ingredients only native to that region. I do not believe you will find a better combination of value, taste and experience from any other restaurants that are as highly touted.

Day Nine

Our diabolic alarm went off at 2:30am, time to fly home. We walked two minutes to the airport entrance and we were in line at the American Airlines counter for about 50 minutes. It was worth getting there early and I will tell you why. My husband is freakishly tall so we always try to grab the emergency row. We asked if the seats on that row were available while my husband made puppy eyes and the AA employee said “I will be right back, I have to do it in a different computer”. He came back and I swear I could see his halo. He handed us the tickets and tells us to have a safe flight. No charge!! I have officially made my peace with AA, this man totally made up for everything we endured on day one.

There was no line to go through security so we had plenty of time for breakfast. We sat down at La Nacional and shared a tasty egg sandwich. After breakfast, we walked to our gate and boarded our plane with no delays. Peru, it’s been real. We out!

Tahiti and Moorea

Let me start this post by explaining how this trip even happened. It was the year 2019 and the world was thriving, the trips were flowing, hugs and handshakes were highly encouraged and sneezing in public wasn’t a capital crime yet. We started planning a trip for November 2020, and we ended up booking a trip to New Zealand with a short stop in the French Polynesia. Your girl was pumped about a road trip with the kiwis which was going to take place within a few months. However, that son of a bitch COVID had different plans for us. In March 2020, airports all over the world started shutting down, but we thought things would be back to normal by November, after all, it was still eight months away. Yeah, fucking right. New Zealand was still closed as a motherfucker in November.

I was seriously considering canceling the whole trip and getting blackout drunk at home for a whole week while watching Zac Efron on Netflix be hot and delicious and while traveling the world without me. But every once in a while, a blind squirrel finds a nut, and me, I have always liked nuts.

French Polynesia is a group of islands in the Pacific Ocean that includes Bora Bora and Moorea. In order to get to either island you have to arrive in Tahiti first. A big difference between these two islands is that you need to take another flight from Tahiti to get to Bora Bora, while Moorea is just a short ferry ride away. Another big difference is the money factor. Our initial travel itinerary included Bora Bora for three nights on our way back from New Zealand. It was expensive to stay there, but it was a short stay so we would splurge on the Bora Bora experience and maybe just skip the mortgage payment for December; problem solved. Once New Zealand wasn’t an option anymore, we chose to still go to the French Polynesia, but it didn’t make much sense to travel so far for just three nights. Since the French Polynesia was going to be our only destination for this trip, we extended the trip to be one week long. There was no way we would pay over a $1,000 per night for lodging for one week. We needed to reevaluate: enter Moorea, the most delightful nut of all. The overwater bungalows in Moorea are far more affordable and the island is accessible by ferry, which is also considerably cheaper than a flight to Bora Bora. This was our seven-day itinerary for this little piece of heaven in the shape of an island:

Day One

Our first flight was from Arizona to San Francisco and it was a little over an hour. We have been traveling with American Airlines for a long time, but sadly, we feel like the benefits are less and less every time and the flights are less enjoyable. It is almost impossible to get status now and even more impossible to use your first-class upgrades. And I swear, those freaking planes are shrinking, man. The Greens have moved on to greener pastures. (Get it? Greens, greener…HA!) Anyway, we recently got a United Airlines credit card and the plan is to try to fly with them as much as possible. This was our first time booking with them and I am SOLD, United is the man. The boarding process was quick, organized and done in a timely fashion. The plane was extra clean, and the bathroom was the cleanest airplane bathroom I have seen in my entire life! For the first time ever, I didn’t feel like I needed to drink a bottle of hand sanitizer after using the restroom. I high fived myself on my way out and continued watching Schitt’s Creek on my laptop without having to worry about getting “schitt” and E. Coli all over my keyboard. We were lucky enough to have pretty empty flights, so that was a beautiful bonus too.

Hater grabbed the aisle seat, I grabbed the window, and we put all our crap in the middle seat. The service was perfection, the flight attendants were incredibly friendly and attentive. After a short layover in San Francisco, we boarded the next plane to Tahiti. This next flight was about eight hours long, but it was easy-peasy. They gave us two meals and they had complimentary wine and beer, which was a nice surprise since after COVID, it is rare for airlines to serve alcohol during their flights. I think it goes without saying that my husband was chugging beers like his life depended on it.

The arrival in Tahiti was smooth, the customs line was short but it was a bit slow. Had it been a full flight I think you would be lucky to make it through in less than 30 minutes, dependent on your location on the plane. The airport has a DUTY FREE store, so we provided our COVID results to airport security and tried to sprint there to purchase some tax free whiskey, or as we like to call it, over the counter medicine. I should also mention that we were given a COVID test to administer on ourselves four days after our arrival and once completed, we were to drop it off at our front desk at the hotel.

We walked to the rental car company counter to pick up the keys to our automobile and we immediately drove to our Airbnb. The place was about 20 minutes away, but it had a kickass view. It had an infinity pool, a big ass terrace and an outdoor bathroom. This bathroom was magical and special, until my husband had to go take a shit with an umbrella because the rain wouldn’t stop. Man, I wish I would’ve taken a picture of that hilarious bitch.

Day Two

Rain, rain, and more rain. It almost seemed like a hurricane was hitting the island the night before. We had planned to go visit Taharuu beach, which is also known as the black beach, but it was starting to sound like we would just have to stay in all day like two losers. As we checked weather.com, we saw that the rain would stop a little around 9am, so we decided to grow a pair and drive there. After all, rainy day at the beach is better than no beach at all. The drive from Pape’ete was about 30 minutes. Hater had read online that the locals made Firi Firi donuts on the weekends and sold them on the side of the road so we made a quick stop when we spotted three kids with a giant plastic bin that said Firi Firi. They didn’t speak a lick of English, but they saw our drooling faces and we were able to complete the transaction. These donuts were like a fried sweet dough and they are a must. Live your best fat life!

After our increase in cholesterol from devouring six Firi Firi donuts, we arrived at Taharuu Beach with extra energy and excitement. Listen to this, we were the ONLY people there. Unreal. We walked on the beach and the crazy part was when the water hit, it was warm! The rain didn’t even matter, I went in the water and got black sand in places no one should ever get black sand in. Worth it! I wish I would’ve brought water shoes, because as you go deeper in the water, the sand turns into bigger rocks that are not very pleasant to walk on. Thankfully, there is a water faucet right by the exit where you can wash the sand off before you go.

On our way back, we stopped at 3 Brasseurs for lunch. This place is a brewery, but the beer was not available that specific day. Umm, ironic much? We tried the flatbread and it was decent for a snack (it’s almost like a pizza but without sauce). We headed back to our room to enjoy the pool and some drinks. I was switching between cannon balling and sipping whiskey, I don’t even want to look at my rating on Airbnb after this one.

For dinner, we decided to go check out the famous roulottes, which is French for badass award-winning food trucks (I just decided that). They are located by the ferry station and open only for dinner. We chose Chez Dominique and got the ceviche type “poisson cru au lait coco”. Hello, Fiji? Is that you? It’s me, Denise. This plate reminded us of one of the best meals of our lives in Fiji, which was raw fish drenched in coconut milk. It was tasty, tasty and it was enough for two. The food trucks are cash only, I think our food was about $20. There was a live band playing music and stealing my cold heart.

Day Three

This is the day we departed Tahiti to go to Moorea, so we were up very early and ready to live the bungalow life. We had breakfast on the terrace of our Airbnb, I read a little bit and we felt relaxed enough to start our short travel day. We packed up, and drove to Pape’ete to get a few souvenirs before we departed Tahiti. We visited the market where I hit the jackpot when I found a head lei made with fresh flowers for just $5 bucks!! I think I paid close to $40 in Hawaii! Those fuckers robbed me blind. The market also had local food, fresh fruits, veggies, and flowers.

We needed to return our rental car before boarding the ferry so Hater dropped me off at the ferry and went to return the car, they gave him a ride back to the ferry terminal after he returned the car. The ferry has plenty of departure times so we decided to just show up and buy the tickets that same day. We bought the round-trip tickets and it was for approximately $60 for the both of us. Can you believe that craziness?? We had extra time to kill until the ferry departed so we went to the restaurant located upstairs right by the check in area. FYI, the restaurant is cash only so get some “dinero” if you want some “cervezas”. We had a few beers and before we knew it, it was boarding time.

The boarding process is idiot proof, it was extremely easy and very quick. Everybody boards at the same time and you grab any seat available. The ferry is clean, and has very comfy seats. It has a snack bar and it even has a few couches. The ride was about 40 minutes long and very smooth.

Once we arrived in Moorea, we grabbed our bags and a taxi cab. The taxi from the ferry to the Hilton Moorea Resort was around $25 per couple and it took about 25 minutes. The driver was nice enough to stop at the store so my alcoholic husband could grab some beers to have in the room. My loser of a husband walked into the lobby carrying a six pack, not embarrassing at all. The check in process at the hotel was quick and we were informed by the front desk lady that our room had a mini bar with beer, juice and water which was COM-PLI-MEN-TA-RY. That is probably my husband’s favorite word in the world, so the six pack under his arm ended up in our suitcase and making it all the way back to Arizona. I am not even joking here.

We were given a ride to our bungalow in a golf cart and in two minutes we were in the most epic room ever. Pinch me, pinch me hard! I immediately knew I would only be leaving the room to eat; I didn’t want to waste a second of enjoying this amazing place.

We grabbed dinner at Rotui which is one of the restaurants in the hotel. It is outdoors and it is right by the water. I grabbed the fish and it was meh, but Hater had the shrimp pasta and it was on point. According to him, it was the best meal he had on this trip.

Day Four

We had breakfast at Arii vahine, which is the buffet that the Hilton Moorea has for breakfast every morning. Since we have diamond status, the breakfast was complimentary but it would cost you $41 per person if you paid for it. The buffet had bread, pastries, muffins, salads, charcuterie, French toast, pancakes, and an omelet station. I had an omelet every day and we both made sandwiches which we would take with us to the room and eat for lunch so we didn’t have to leave the bungalow. Hater was stoked about this, free lunch every day. He shed a little tear of happiness every morning as I placed the “sammies” in a Ziploc bag because he knew he was saving some coin.

After breakfast, we walked back to the bungalow. The lounge chairs in the bungalows are in the covered balcony area so every morning after breakfast, we would take the chairs down to the platform by the water. We brought our speaker, towels, the Kindle, and drinks. Hubby snorkeled and saw a shitload of fish, while I read until my pupils bled.

For dinner, we had reservations to eat at Rudy’s, which is a local restaurant that has a complimentary shuttle. We got ready for supper and we were a little early so we decided to walk to the bar and have a quick drink before the shuttle arrived. This was the exact moment where we found out that the bar had happy fucking hour every day from 5PM to 6PM!! Come to mama!

After two for one drinks, we hopped in the shuttle and headed over to Rudy’s. The owner is a delight and the service is perfection. We ordered the seafood pastry as an appetizer and holy fucking guacamole, that shit was fucking good. For main entrees Hater had shrimp curry and moi had the parrot fish stuffed with crab. Curry shrimp knocked it out of the park; grand slam. Dessert was the papaya pineapple upside down, which was kind of like dessert pizza. Hubby said he gave it a 6, but I was like bishhhhhh, that deserves a 10!

Day Five

Groundhog Day?? This day was exactly the same as the day before: breakfast, lounge chairs, sandwich for lunch, and swimming in the badass lagoon. There was one teeny tiny detail, though. We were both woken up at 4AM with insane noises coming from both of our deranged stomachs. We had to take turns on the toilet, that poor thing was tested to the limits. However, I was able to continue on with my day while Hater was dying and had to stay in bed most of the day. The trips to the toilet continued but I could just run up the stairs, empty my bowels, and go back to the platform for sunbathing mania. We thought it was something we ate but this continued on and off for the rest of the trip. We found out that the cause of our bubble-guts was the water, and even though we always had drank the bottled water and the ice is made with filtered water, our weak American stomachs were not ready for the adventure. The minibar included one bottle of champagne, so I enjoyed my bubbly liquid out on the platform while Hater let his butthole heal.

Later that afternoon, I mentioned two magic words: “happy hour”, and it was just like saying “Abracadabra” because the man was up and ready to go. Happy hour was usually the time where we would meet other couples and make new friends. After drinks we walked to the crepe restaurant inside the hotel. EW, motherfucking EW. I realized that I don’t enjoy crepes at all, but I especially hate the salty crepes. Oh My Lord, I ended up feeding most of my food to the sharks, which by the way, was the highlight of that dinner experience. Beautiful, gorgeous sharks right below us.

A lot of people recommended this place and it had great reviews, so everyone should try it…I guess. But if you end up going, try the sweet crepes instead and even then, don’t say I didn’t warn ya’.

Day Six

Ia Ora na, Thursday! That means hello, follow me for more Tahitian words. (Just kidding, I only know one more and I’m not even sure if I can spell it correctly without Google). The day started with our regular trip to the breakfast buffet, but the highlight of omelet hour was the nice couple from Jacksonville who sat on the table next to us and got us mimosas. Give me that Champs! After that, it was back to the bungalow for some snorkeling, and sunbathing.

This was an all-day activity and it was as perfect as the previous days.

For dinner we chose Moorea Beach Café which had free shuttle service. The place was outdoors and adorned with all Veuve Clicquot décor. The food was average: we had tuna tartare, fish and some olive oil bread. I think it is a good option for drinks at sunset, but you can skip the bland, dry fish that ended up being fed to a cute little local cat.

Day Seven

We decided to do a tour and leave our room for a change, but no more than a couple of hours! The tour was a kayak ride to the lagoon area where we could see sharks and manta rays up close and personal. We were picked up at our hotel around 1pm and took a short ride to the recently closed old Intercontinental Hotel. Hater and I boarded our clear kayak while and the tour guide took his own and we were working out for the first time in one week. We followed him and paddled for about 25 minutes, I took numerous breaks, damn I am not into this active vacation bullshit. Someone just drag me there. Ok, Ok, I exaggerate. I enjoyed the ride a lot, it was gorgeous and we stopped when we got to a beautiful clear blue water and got out of the kayak because the water was quite shallow. As soon as we touched the sand, manta rays came! Le fantastique.

Rays, fish and duuuun dun, duuuunnnn dun, dun dun dun dunnnn, cue the Jaws soundtrack. Sharkssssss. I thought I would pee in my bikini (spoiler alert, I did… I mean, I always do). Those are magnificent creatures, dude. The tour lasted for about two hours which was the perfect amount of time for that.

Then we took the shark tour shuttle back to the hotel. Funny story. We had three restaurants in mind for dinner but none of them offered shuttle service so we went with whatever front desk recommended. With that French accent, I couldn’t understand a single fucking syllable. I said: “Oui. Fuck it, monsieur.” We walked to the lobby at 7pm for the shuttle and surprise, fucking surprise, it was the driver from Rudy’s! Ok, well, the foodie gods want what the foodie gods want. Hubs had Roquefort filet and moi had the seafood pasta. The nerve on this plate to be so perfect. It was pasta submerged in some heavenly white sauce, it was seafood cooked to perfection, it was insulting how phenomenal this mouthwatering plate was. For dessert I went with the cholate lava cake this time. Stupid me, thinking the dessert I had the first night was good. The lava cake made that fruit pizza its bitch. The audacity of this place to exceed my expectations like that!

Day Eight

We were able to get a late checkout so Mamacita was able to use that bungalow until the very last minute. We packed a sandwich during breakfast, of course, and we were lazy fucks until 1 p.m. or so.

The golf cart was right in front of our bungalow at 3 p.m. to get our bags and our asses, the driver was like: “we must depart Mrs. Green, stop grabbing the doorframe and please stop kicking me.” Sigh.

I finally got in and let him take me to the lobby without any more karate chops to the neck. The taxi cab was already there, it took us approximately 20 minutes to get to the ferry station and we had our tickets already so we walked right in. Easiest thing in the world, I swear. They had various snacks for sale this time, including paninis and hot dogs, but we decided to save our appetite for Tahiti. I need to explain how incredibly on time the ferry is, they wait for no one. The Greens are super punctual so that was a boner for my husband right there. After the quick ferry ride, we walked to 3 Brasseurs across the street and on Saturdays they have live music.

We enjoyed the local band and a beer flight, some poke, and the meat eater had a Philly cheesesteak. They were nice enough to order us a cab when we were ready and it took about 20 minutes to get to the airport. There was no line and the process was quick and smooth. The flight was on time and before we knew it, we were on our way home!

Could’ve, would’ve, should’ve! A few things I wish I would’ve done if we had more time, or that maybe we could’ve done if Hater didn’t have explosive diarrhea for a whole day are the following: Coco beach bar, the rum factory and an ATV tour.

Mauru’ uru for reading this post!! (You guessed correctly if you figured out that the other Tahitian word I know means Thank you!!)

~Hater’s corner~

Some names have been changed to protect the innocent.

In the time of Covid, paranoia of the infected has run rampant. Everyone who has ventured to the French Polynesia in 2020 has had to submit to a self administered Covid test which could deem a person a pinnacle of good health and safe for travel or a leper of society doomed to quarantine in the privacy of a basement dwelling.

The two explorers of this story received their negative Covid test results and were granted permission to embark on a journey to the beautiful islands of Tahiti and Moorea. After three days of exploring the gorgeous islands, the victims of this tragedy were stricken with “volcano-ass,” which can only be described as random eruptions of liquid magma spewing from the bowels of men and women at the exact same moment.

Now one must ask themselves; “Is this the Covid? or is this the work of the devil in the water?” The reason you must ask yourself this, is because if you are partaking in the travels within this wonderland, you must report these eruptions to the ministry of health because of the potential spread of the deadly virus known as Covid. You will be forced into a lockdown on the island for a couple weeks and you will not be able to even breathe fresh air. However, if you believe your symptoms are caused by the aftermath of mixing way too much Jameson with the local water and your ass is on fire from all the time spent sitting on the bathroom throne, give it 36 hours and you will know your answer.

Divine intervention was on the side of these wayward travelers and the tap water/ice was determined to be the culprit of their ailments. The local water was sentenced to never be drunken again by these tourists abroad and they were released to their home country without issue.

The Maldives

How can I even write this post about the Maldives without doing something stupid like booking a flight right effing now? Who vacations like this? Let me tell you, this place is everything you see in those desktop pictures that look so fake and so photoshopped. You are stuck on an island, which sounds scary and psychotic, but you will love every minute of it. Let’s not ignore the fact that it is definitely one of the most expensive destinations in the world, and when I dreamt of going to the Maldives for our honeymoon, I thought we were royally fucked. I told myself “Dream on, babe. Maybe in your next lifetime.” Why couldn’t my parents just invest in Google or some shit years ago and give me tons of money? They are just dream murderers, if you ask me. Luckily, I married a man who will do research until his eyeballs hurt if he can figure out smart ways to vacation for less. We started planning for our trip two years before our honeymoon and we saved every mile, every point, and at some point, we considered selling our organs in the black market. Whatever it takes! It wasn’t easy and we still had a good chunk of out of pocket expenses, but you choose what your priorities in life are and mine was to get my ass to the Indian Ocean, dammit. We were able to use our travel miles and booked business class flights on Etihad, and that made all the difference in the world. We were given pajamas, slippers, a toothbrush, toothpaste, a comforter, a pillow and a fancy meal menu. The flying time was over 16 hours, so you better believe I changed into my PJs, chugged some champagne and passed the f out for hours. We were also able to use all of our Hilton points to book our dreamy overwater bungalows. However, we still had to pay a pretty high lodging rate on top of the points. Worth it!

We decided to do a stopover in Abu Dhabi, a stopover is just a fancy name for a long layover. The flight to The Maldives is a loooooong one, so a stopover gave us the opportunity to see a different country and to split our trip and take a break from flying. After some sightseeing, shopping and some good night sleep in an actual bed, we continued on to our final destination: motherforking paradise! If you travel to The Maldives, you will have to arrive in Malé, which is the capital of The Maldives, and from there you take a seaplane straight to your hotel. This short flight costs approximately, $500 per person.

Each hotel in The Maldives is its own island, and the only way out is that little seaplane. That’s right, you get to vacation in your very own private island. Richard Branson, you ain’t that special. Conrad Maldives Rangali Island Resort had its own airport lounge and it was lovely. They have water, snacks and cold towels to relax while you wait to board your plane. We waited a short period of time and before we knew it, we were crammed up in a tiny Fiat with wings and loving life.

Day One

That miniature plane landed in the water after the most expensive 30 minute flight of our lives, and we knew it was all worth it. We chose the Conrad Maldives Rangali Island because it’s a Hilton property and we had saved all of our Hilton points. We had a concierge from the resort assigned to us and anything we needed we were able to contact him and he would make it happen, and he was waiting for us on the dock when we arrived.

One of the best things about having your very own concierge is the fact that we could ask him to drive us around in a golf cart at any time. He grabbed our luggage and we jumped in our golf cart and off we were. I want to know how rich people are always vacationing in Cabo, do they not know about this place? Oh, right, it is a long flight, and it feels like it takes 28 days to get there. Right, right. But, wow. If we could afford it, we would probably visit every single year.

We dropped off our bags in our room and after squealing like a monkey 24 times and yelling “Oh my Goooooood!”, we decided to go and explore the resort.

There is a boat that can transport you from one side of the island to the other, or you can walk on the long bridge if you are feeling like stretching your legs. We used this boat quite a bit, the view is fantastic and it saves time when you are trying to make it to breakfast ASAP and get your champagne on before noon.

The first night we decided to indulge and partake in the lobster and champagne dinner on the beach. We thought we would be all bougie at least for one night, it was our honeymoon after all. The dinner was on the beach and with the most gorgeous views of the stars. But, if they thought they could make a profit with this $300 per person price tag, they had another thing coming. This dinner was an all-you-can-eat style and my husband was on the marathon of his life. He was able to eat *drum roll, please* SEVEN LOBSTER TAILS! I shit you not. This man was not going to let something as insignificant as a waistband get in the way. And me, well I took care of enough champagne to intoxicate a petite Irish man.

Day Two

The Conrad Maldives includes breakfast for guests with gold status, and we found out on our second day that it included unlimited champagne. Game on, suckers. We ate enough food and drank enough champagne in the mornings, to be able to skip lunch every day.

There are two different pools and we did not even bother with going to the kid friendly pool, something about yelling and splashing kind of kills the honeymoon vibe. The adult pool though, it was like a vision. I don’t think we ever saw more than three couples at the same time. It was so peaceful and nice, it was impossible not to stay relaxed. See for yourself:

Since we were able to skip lunch after a big breakfast, we just waited until 4pm for tea time. Tea time means free snacks. Skip the hot beverage and go ahead and eat 12 mini sandwiches and 8 tiny pastries. But, save room for happy hour! Guess what, from 5pm to 6pm, more free booze for Hilton Gold members!! People are so funny, paying for drinks. Like, why?? Drinks, and, and, and….more snacks! We participated in Tea Time and Happy Hour EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. (This used to be the case in 2016, however, the times and benefits for tea time and happy hour have changed. Booooo!)

That night we just had bar food and watched some soccer at the main bar, after the game there was a DJ and that was a wrap. Needless to say, day two was a 10 out of 10.

Day Three

Our days consisted of boozy breakfast and enjoying the beach and pool. Waking up every morning to the bluest blue right outside your door, it is sublime.

This day, we decided to visit Ithaa, which is the underwater restaurant for the champagne/appetizer deal. They also offer dinner, but we felt like a little snack and a champs glass would be enough for us to enjoy the magic here. I recommend this so much. If you visit the restaurant, make sure you wear sandals or flip flops since you will be asked to take your shoes off to go inside and you will have to leave them by the door. I am not getting paid to say this, Ithaa is worth every one of the gazillion dollars you will spend for a glass of champagne. It is very special and unique, a MUST.

For dinner we decided to go big or go home…go home? NEVER! Big it is, so we had dinner at Mandhoo restaurant, check out the best table in the world!! I don’t even remember what we had to eat, but honestly, who cares. Nothing in the world could taste bad here. (Well, except foie gras, fuck that shit).

Day Four

The Maldives is, for the most part, a couple’s destination and you end up meeting a lot of happy honeymooners. On day four, we met two other couples by the pool, one couple was from Dubai and the other one was from England. We spent the day talking to them and after the pool, we moved on to a table by the beach and we had a marvelous time just enjoying the sunset and sipping cocktails.

Day Five

On our last day, it was raining so after breakfast we came back to our bungalow and enjoyed the bathtub with the magical view and our champagne in the room. Hey, I am not complaining. I might’ve even been the cause of the rain after my rain dance …don’t judge me, I wanted to cherish that beautiful room. It was the perfect end to our trip, just hubby and me and a whole ocean for the two of us just outside our room.

The Maldives, go add that to your bucket list right this second. I have traveled to many places and, to this day, The Maldives is by far, my favorite place in the entire world.

Iceland

Seven days in Iceland, you’re probably thinking “No way!” and I’m over here like: “Bro, it can be done”. On a side-note, Hater (my husband) is a little bit more practical when it comes to planning trips, he would gladly buy a plane ticket that includes eight layovers if it saved us $20, while I am more like: “First class for an extra $2,000? YOLO!!” That being said, Iceland is one of the most expensive places to vacation, but it had always been on Hater’s list. Light bulb! I decided to surprise him with a trip to Iceland for Christmas. I mean I paid for the plane ticket and the car rental, I am not made out of money. The man had to pay for the rest of his shit while we were there. He also had to wait nine long months to go, because I bought the tickets for September, since we had other vacations planned. As soon as we arrived, I realized I had a major crush on this country. I was so glad we chose to drive ourselves around the island instead of taking a tour bus because with every piece of scenery we passed the next sight was even more glorious. We must’ve seen more than 50 waterfalls on our drives and that might be an understatement. We saw grassy green areas, black beaches, sheep (so many sheep), pretty horses (so many horses) and glaciers. It was like we transported ourselves into all seven kingdoms from Game of Thrones rolled up into one. Here’s a synopsis of how the driving schedule looked for us:

Day One

We arrived in Reykjavík early in the morning and we were already eager to start exploring, so we proceeded to haul ass and pick up our rental car. There was a little bit of a line and it took longer than we expected, and unfortunately there was no bar at Enterprise car rental which was completely outrageous, but we got it done and we were on our way. Our vacation took place in the fall so we decided to take advantage of the good weather and drive the entire island. We read that in the winter it is very dangerous to drive and that you will find the roads closed anyway: no, thank you. My husband already drives like he is two hours late for happy hour so I’d rather not add even more stress to our vacay. There is no time like the present so our sightseeing started right then and there. The plan for the first day was to drive to a hotel near Vatnajökull National Park so we could go visit the park first thing the following morning. All these long-ass Icelandic names are very confusing, so get a notepad if you want to keep track of all this. Basically, this national park is where Jökulsárlón glacier lagoon is at. The drive from Reykjavík is approximately 5 hours, but we chose to make stops at touristy spots along the way wearing our stinky plane attire that we had been donning for the last 20 hours. With any luck, we could find some Febreze to spray ourselves with, I was a woman with a mission and body odor was not going to stop me. The first stop was Seljalandsfoss, and they had me at hot chocolate. There was a coffee bar right by the entrance where I grabbed this delicious beverage that is so underrated, because screw coffee. Hot chocolate is better and the rest of the world is wrong. Styrofoam cup in hand, we walked to this magical waterfall and I immediately knew I was not going to be disappointed by Iceland, Iceland, baby. The sound of the waterfall as you are approaching is hypnotizing, and then you walk behind the waterfall and you are standing right where magical fairies probably live. *Tip alert* Invest in a good pair of hiking or winter boots before traveling to Iceland. They are a must! The terrain was a bit slippery and I almost completely ate shit coming down the wooden steps as we were coming out of the waterfall.

The next stop for us was, you guessed correctly, another stunning waterfall, Skógafoss. This one was special because you can get a pretty rainbow in your picture, they could probably shoot one of those Skittles commercials here and maybe make them less weird. The one with the giraffe is fucking wild, isn’t it? After enjoying the beautiful view from up close, we wanted to enjoy it from afar as well. There was a small restaurant really close with our names all over it: Hotel Skógafoss Bistro & Bar. We walked up the small hill to reach the entrance and grabbed a table; you immediately notice the amazing views of Skógafoss and there are tables outside but they were all taken (Try to snatch an outside table if you can!). We settled for a table inside, which was amazing nonetheless. I ordered delicious fresh fish and Hater ordered beer, obviously. The food was really good and the vibe was fantastic because of the nice views of the waterfall.

Best beer at Hotel Skógafoss Bistro & Bar

After the nice lunch, it was time to drive to our hotel. We booked the Fosshotel Glacier Lagoon Hotel for the next two nights. This hotel was very pretty and it had a balcony with fire pits, nice couches and even blankets provided by the hotel to enjoy cozy nights outside. The hotel also has a waterfall within walking distance from it and it was 25 minutes from Vatnajökull National Park.

The check-in process was smooth and easy and after we had unloaded our stuff, we walked downstairs for a nice romantic dinner at our hotel. My, oh my!! This dinner was absolutely fantastic. As soon as we got sat at our table, we got our menus and a beautiful basket of bread followed by complimentary cheese, and Mama likes her queso. As for our main entrees, I decided to go with the fish and Hater ordered the lamb and look at the pictures of these beautiful deconstructed delights! They looked like art displays; Iceland chefs created two masterpieces just for us. Honestly though, the best part was that ridiculous brownie that did not deserve to die so soon in my mouth. RIP you small square of rich chocolate cake, I miss you.

Even though I knew Iceland would be beautiful all around, it still blew my mind. The beauty of its nature is unreal. But you know what surprised me the most? The amazing food, I ate some of the freshest seafood there, I got hooked on their food almost immediately.

Day Two

Time to explore Vatnajökull National Park! The first thing I wanted to do here was a boat tour to go see the glacier up close. We arrived and paid for our tour and had to sit around for a bit before it was time to go. Do you know what’s always a good way to kill time? Food. There are two food trucks by the parking lot and Hater ordered a hot dog and I had a very tasty lobster roll. Yum, yum yum. I am not super picky, but I know a good thing when I eat it and that lobster roll was definitely worth the calories.

Jökulsárlón Glacier Lagoon

After that, we were ready to begin our tour where they give you your own fun pantsuit in case you fall in the ice lagoon and need to survive hypothermia. As soon as you get dressed in your classy red and black waterproof pantsuit, you board a bus that will drive you to the boat and the drive was only about 5 minutes. The driver was quite funny and told us hilarious facts about Iceland. After the safety briefing, we were on the boat. My weakness, huge weakness, BOATS. Let me tell you, that boat ride was a hoot and a half. I have to say, it was very cool being in a lagoon filled with small glaciers that fractured off from the glacier in the bay, which seemed so close I could almost taste the age-old ice. It was most definitely informative, but again, so much fucking fun. We went fast, it was cold, it was beautiful, it was the tits.

After the boat tour, we drove the car right across the street to go see Diamond Beach. I guess the name comes from all the cool icebergs that look like huge diamonds floating out to sea through the inlet. Some of these icebergs wash up onto the black sand beach, creating quite the contrast of beauty. Marvelous! We loved looking at the cool formations the ice makes and we saw a seal just swimming all over the place. Sadly, I didn’t find any real diamonds, bummer.

Next up, we decided to drive to Svartifoss for a nice hike and to see another waterfall. To the random girl who saw me going up and suggested I leave my jacket behind, thank you!!!! If I ever find you on Tinder, I am definitely swiping right. I think ten minutes into the hike I was already warm, it was very enjoyable and not too long, it was probably 35 minutes. Once you get back from the hike, stop by Glacier goodies food truck and treat yo’self!

After a day packed with fun adventures we drove back to our hotel and we walked to check out our private waterfall near the hotel. Right after that, we grabbed a bottle of whiskey and enjoyed the porch at our hotel. It was a blankets and Jameson low key kind of night.

Day Three

Time to check out of our magical hotel and drive some more. The plan was to go all the way to Goðafoss and that we did. There were a few stops on the way there, but we had our AUX cable and our insanely unhealthy snacks, so we were listening to “Human” by The Jonas Brothers, eating paprika chips and thriving. We like to play this game where we choose a song for each trip and we try to listen to it every day in the morning, or while we are getting ready at night. Then, in the future, when we hear the song, it will bring back memories from the trip and make us smile thinking about the place we were at (for those psychology 101 students, that’s our version of a mnemonic device). Sometimes this happens organically and it’s just a song we seem to hear everywhere during the trip, other times, we just choose a new song we really like at the time and we decide to crank it nonstop. As you may have already guessed, the song for the Iceland trip was “Human” and it DID happen organically, for some reason this song kept on coming up on Spotify. Oh, and we were infatuated with the paprika potato chips and kept on buying them every time we stopped for gas, I suggest you try these bad boys. Paprika chips are the real KING IN THE NORTH!

Stop number one was the black sand beach in Lækjavik, this place was pretty, man. There is plenty of parking space, but caution, the way down is a bit steep. It is a unique beach and I really wish we would’ve packed a picnic basket because it was not crowded at all and it was breathtaking. I could’ve stayed here for a few hours if I would’ve had a blanket and a savory meatless sandwich with paprika chips. I loved this place as much as Daenerys loved her dragons. Oh, my Mhysa!

Next up was Námafjall geothermal and mud pots. These were cool holes in the ground with steam coming out of them, cool special effects for a Boomerang video if you ask me. This stop didn’t take too long, I think if you want to plan a 45-minute stop that is more than enough.

Stop number three was the Mývatn nature baths, which is a geothermal pool, aka a giant hot tub. Listen, I know this place has great reviews and people seem to love it, but if you compare it to The Blue Lagoon, this place doesn’t stand a chance. I mean sure it is worth seeing it and soaking your ass in the hot water when it is cold outside, but the changing rooms were quite small and you have to shower before you go in and the people here have zero self-esteem issues. Boobies and vagines everywhere you looked, super crammed bathroom. Me no likey. Hater, on the other hand, was probably happy with all the peckers dangling dangerously close to his face as he changed into his bathing suit. It was stressful trying to get dressed and undressed in such a small space with 20 chi-chis staring back at you. The bottom of the pool is not smooth and is littered with itty-bitty rocks. Oh, and if you need a towel, you have to pay for one. But yeah, stop in for a dip and a beer and avoid eye contact at all cost.

Last stop of the day, Goðafoss!! Our hotel was the Fossholl Guesthouse and it was the cutest little room right by the waterfall. The room was so close, that we were able to visit them twice, once in the afternoon and once in the morning. By the time we checked in, it was already starting to get dark so we asked the owner to recommend a place to grab some food. He informed us about a pizza restaurant about twenty minutes back the way we came and thus we had pizza to close the night. A day that ends with great pizza is a good fucking day, mate.

* This was the only night there was a tiny chance to see the northern lights (Aurora Borealis), but unfortunately, they did not want to come out and play. Oh well, I guess we will have to plan a trip to Finland soon! Easy fix. In case you didn’t know, the northern lights are these bright dancing lights, a natural light display in the sky where the night looks like a beautiful painting in neon colors, created by Mother Nature.

Day Four

Time to drive to the west side of the island! The owner of the hotel stopped by right before we checked out and dropped off our light breakfast that consisted of fruit, water, a sandwich, and a yogurt. He was very helpful and recommended to go see the black church and the bar at Hótel Búðir, both on the way to our destination. Say no more! We wrote it down and included it on our list of stops. We went to the Goðafoss waterfall to take some pictures and then we started our drive for the day. The first stop of the day was Stykkisholmur, a town right by a port that looked straight out of a Nicholas Sparks novel. It was so quiet and peaceful, not much traffic and perfect for a boozy lunch. Like any other savvy traveler, we rely on Tripadvisor like there’s no tomorrow. Sjávarpakkhúsið was a restaurant by the water that had amazing reviews, like we needed another reason to go in, we had already seen the happy hour sign. It was a no-brainer. Listen, we were there right when they opened and we were seated right away, but just minutes later every freaking table was taken. I swear the rest of the town was so quiet, I don’t even know where these people came from. This place is popular and there is a reason why. Hater ordered the mussels which were fabulous and I ordered the fish burger, mother of God! This fish burger was especially caught and cooked by Aquaman himself. At least in my head, that’s how it happened. Drooling right now. Sjávarpakkhúsið, say that shit three times!

Anyhow, after the tasty goodies we walked to the Súgandisey lighthouse. You have to hike a few steps, but it’s nothing too strenuous and very easy to do.

Súgandisey lighthouse

After wandering around town a little bit more, we bought some souvenirs and continued our drive. The next stop was Kirkjufellsfoss, here we go again with the Game of Thrones bullshit. This is the mountain that is shown on Season 7 but on the show, they called it Arrowhead mountain. Seriously though, best TV show ever. But am I the only one who is pretending Season 8 never happened? Kirkjufellsfoss is one of the most photographed places in Iceland and it is gorgeous. Go across the street near the waterfall and take some beautiful photos looking back.

Alright, let’s take a very short break from waterfalls and head over to Hótel Búðir, as recommended by our friend from Goðafoss. We parked by the hotel and decided to walk to the black church first. It was a cute little black building with amazing surroundings. We noticed there were horse tours in that area, and it looked like the patrons were enjoying themselves. Horseback riding is not my thing, I would much rather pet and talk to horses but that’s just me. We walked back to the hotel to have that drink I had been dreaming of and it was pretty quiet when we walked inside the lobby, but they had a full bar, breathtaking views and happy hour. The bartender was really nice and he nailed the margarita on the rocks. It was so peaceful and so romantic just sitting there and looking out the massive windows. I felt so very classy, I even pretended to know French. “Oui, Oui, monsieur, le margarita s’il vous plait?” The bartender told me to stop insulting the French language and to stick to Spanish, that even my English was iffy at best.

Drinks at Hótel Búðir
The view

After a few “le margs”, we drove straight to the most amazing little piece of heaven brought to you by Airbnb, if you copy one thing and one thing only from this post, please let it be booking a room at Stóri–Kambur. For reals, what kind of insane shit was that? We were not worthy. The day I finally get fed up with all the bad shit happening in the world, this is where I am moving to. This was a small little room in the middle of nowhere, nothing fancy, but you have everything you need. You have two small beds, a bathroom with a shower, a kitchen, a couch and the most fantastic, quiet place surrounded by pure awesomeness. The owners have the main house far from the Airbnb so it feels like you are the only people for miles. They also have horses and they offer tours as well. This was probably my favorite night while in Iceland. We cooked some really crappy food because we did a horrible job grocery shopping, but we sat on that porch eating, drinking and loving the unplugged life. I have to give Hater all the credit for this little find. He found this place and booked it for us, this is the kind of awesome shit he does and why I keep him around. He drinks and he knows things.

Day Five

Time to come full circle and drive back to where it all begun, Reykjavík. The drive was about 2.5 hours, not too bad, so the only stop we made was to say hi to some pretty horses on the side of the road.

We stayed at a regular Radisson hotel, nothing special, we just wanted to be walking distance from the fun at night. After we checked in, we drove to Fisherman Fish Shop & Kitchen for lunch. This placeeeeee…yo!! It is a small restaurant, maybe 4 tables and a high-top area. You choose your type of fish from the display window, the type of sauce and the sides you want and they cook it while you wait. I beg you to get the haddock with the tartar sauce. OH, MY LAWDDDDD!! Hater got the barley as a side and I could not stop eating the food from his plate, barley is almost like a quinoa but better!

After we had happy bellies full of fish, we drove to the nearest brewery. RVK brewing company was very chill, it’s always nice to try beers around the world, right? The beers were pricey and we wouldn’t say they were the best beers we have had, but this is for the experience. Hater got a badass shirt too, so that alone was reason enough to go.

After the brewery, we drove back to the hotel and parked the car so we could just walk to the downtown area. The first thing we checked out was the Hallgrímskirkja church, it is one of the most famous landmarks in Reykjavík, you just have to. The other famous thing is their hot dog, that’s right. Apparently, Iceland hot dogs are instafamous. Island girl does not eat four legged animals, especially not the ones that are pink in color and when the meat is shaped like a wiener, but Hater loves his meat….maybe that’s why he enjoyed that small changing room with all the naked tourists so much. We stopped by Reykjavík Street dog so the carnivore could devour some flesh in a bun. Hater gave it two thumbs up and would eat there again. As we walked around downtown window shopping, we found the Lebowski Bar, which is a bar completely dedicated to the movie The Big Lebowski. It was packed, and it was loud, so obviously we freaking loved it. There are many bars and restaurants all over, it is a very lively place. We stayed out late and we were ready to do it all again the next day.

Day Six

Blue Lagoon day is here!! I was under the impression that this was a tourist trap, it was one of those things that you feel like you have to see for yourself. I have the mentality of going to places and seeing them with my own eyes, even if I know they will potentially suck balls. You just gotta check the box, man. The blue lagoon was the perfect example, lots of people online have the same opinion, that this place is just another tourist trap. We were just excited to be in a giant hot tub drinking cheap champagne by noon. The drive from Reykjavík is approximately 40 minutes to the lagoon, which is also close to the airport in case you want to go as soon as you arrive or on your way out. As always, I wanted to get there early enough to avoid the crowds so we bought tickets in advance for 8am. We arrived and the parking lot was pretty empty, I am a genius. We got to the lobby and the place is very organized. We presented our tickets and we were given a bracelet that we used for everything, to include the lockers and payment for food, drinks etc. First thing we noticed was that the towels, robes and even sandals were included. Thank you, Jesus! Hater and I had to go our separate ways in order to put our crap in the lockers and take our pre-lagoon shower. The bathroom area is massive, tons of showers and lockers, and many employees inside to tell you where to go and what to do. The showers are far enough from the lockers so you don’t have to worry about standing in a giant puddle of water as you change, they even had hair dryers available for use, for free. I stuffed my boots and leggings in the locker and walked my happy ass to one of the empty showers. The place is spotless, and has plenty of room so that you can avoid the vajayjays right in your face. Again, Jesus…thank you! After my shower, I was ready for the lagoon and I started to walk outside. There were clothing racks outside that people can leave sandals, garments and towels. It’s now time to enter the lagoon and it is game on.

The lagoon has a swim up bar, bitches. They have smoothies, wine and champagne that can be charged with the magical bracelet. The future is here. The other thing that is included with the entry fee is a facial mask which moisturizes the wrinkles you get after smiling for so long. Honestly, we did not want to leave. The lagoon is big and we moved around and hung out for hours. After we left against our will, we took another shower and changed back into our clothes.

We had made reservations for the restaurant onsite which has a nice view of the lagoon. Would you expect the food to be good in a tourist trap? I didn’t, I really didn’t. I was just high on hot water and silica masks so I could not have cared less if the food was sewage. I would’ve eaten pop-tarts and been happy as a clam at high tide. We sat down and ordered our champagne and our appetizers and when the food started coming, I was delighted. The meal was superb, I had the best crème brulèe of my life. Honestly!

After the lagoon, we drove back to the hotel and parked our car so we could walk to the downtown area for one last hurrah. It was time for the reverse walk of shame, walking to the bars knowing you were about to do something real stupid by drinking the night before your flight. Smart move.

We walked to a few bars, we stayed up late, and we regretted absolutely nothing. Ok, maybe we regretted Hater’s obsessions with gambling and alcohol. Some Icelandic bars combine Hater’s vices in the form of a wheel that you pay $20 to spin. The wheel is reminiscent of wheel of fortune, except that this game should be called wheel of regrets. Hater paid his $20 and he avoided hitting the space that doesn’t win shit, he actually won 6 beers that we finished off expeditiously. We played the wheel-of-death two more times and we officially won a hangover, but hey, the freedom to make my own mistakes was all I ever wanted.

Day Seven

I cried relentlessly as we drove to the airport and googled how to become a millionaire in two hours so I could cancel my trip and live in Iceland forever. Goodbye gorgeous, I will think of you until the day I die.

PS – If you have never seen Game of Thrones and you don’t get any of my references, I just have one thing to say to you: DRACARYS!

Athens, Santorini and Mykonos

First post!! This is the big one, and the honor goes to Greece. Let me be clear about this, even though it is definitely in my top ten, it is NOT my favorite place in the world. That is a whole different convo, and a very controversial one when it comes to discussing it with my husband. Let’s just call him Jon Snow, he knows nothing. But, back to talking about perfection, Grecia is the one place I would recommend to anyone, no matter how picky and bitchy you are when it comes to vacations. This place has everything, just ask the Greek gods, they know their shit. Athens has all the history, all the old school stuff we read about in high school, and all the things that make you feel like less of an uncultured loser.

Once you move on to the Greek islands, you have Santorini, a romantic paradise. The views, the sunsets, the cool ass white and blue buildings. And then you have Mykonos, well baby, Mykonos is a mother*cking party. Bars that are open until sunrise, beach clubs, windmills. BRB, crying as I sell my car online to buy me a plane ticket to Greece. Here is a glimpse of the amazeballs week we had in Greece; I would go back every summer if I could.

Day One

We arrived in Athens very early in the morning after a red eye flight, and we immediately headed over to an Airbnb in Plaka to drop off our bags and start our day. Sleeping is not that great anyway (this is what I constantly tell myself when we travel). You can sleep 8 hours next week woman. Get it together! The first stop was the Parthenon in The Acropolis, because well, it is THE PARTHENON. Wait no, the first thing we did was stop for a Mythos beer, because, well, it’s BEER; and then we proceeded to the sightseeing. The crowds weren’t too bad in the morning and we had great opportunities for pictures. I should mention that in Athens we grabbed a cab to and from the airport, the rest of the time, we were on foot. I liked staying in Plaka, I mean, saving money on Uber? Score!!

We explored for about an hour or so, and then we were ready for the most fantastic discovery in all of Greece, saganaki (insert drooling face emoji here). “I will take, what is a saganaki for $200, Alex.” Saganaki is this fried cheese, let me tell you, not just your typical mozzarella cheese, no my friend, this cheese is made by Zeus himself and then served warm and covered in honey and I just became lactose intolerant by writing this because CHEEEESEEEE. We also walked over to see the changing of the guards in Syntagma Square, and eventually moseyed on to participate in a cooking class. We chose Athens Walking Tours for our cooking class, they let you know which restaurant to meet at and I believe they change the location depending on the day. Guys, guys, hear me out, you might think I am so boring, but you are way off. This cooking class was a blast and a half. Let me start by saying I suck at cooking, but this was beyond the cooking. We highly recommend it, and believe me when I say, it is not just a cooking class. You will drink, a lot. You will meet new people, you will laugh, JUST DO IT, DAMMIT! We ended up hanging out with a couple we met there and we even got together in Santorini and Mykonos! Oh, and I guess the cherry on top is, well, you get to eat the food.

Changing of the guards and cooking class

After the class, we headed over to a rooftop bar. There are many to choose from, we decided to go with A for Athens. “May I have an Aperol spritz, kind sir?” Yes, yes you may. “And also, may I have a kickass view of the Parthenon to go with that?” Yes, yes you may. GO FOR THE VIEWS, STAY FOR THE VIEWS. (But also, for the drinks because they will probably kick your ass out if you just sit there empty handed).

Sidenote: I regret only spending one night in Athens, granted, we couldn’t spend more than a week in Greece and we wanted to maximize our time. But, if you can stay longer, I strongly suggest spending more than one night in Athens. The nightlife is fantastic, restaurants and bars are open late and there is a plethora of choices. I absolutely loved the vibe and it definitely exceeded our expectations.

Day Two

We flew to Santorini, and we checked into the Pegasus Suites & Spa. The views, the viewssss….mamma mia!!!!! Notice a pattern with Greece? Feel free to write me an email or leave a comment if you feel like I said the word “views” way too much and you visit Greece and end up being unimpressed (but, I know you won’t be). This hotel had a pool bar with excellent drinks and was walking distance to bars and restaurants in the Imeroglivi area. A lot of people like to stay in Fira, but like you will notice in most of our trips, time is of the essence. We need to do as much as we can in a short amount of time and we have to pick and choose. Imeroglivi is a little closer to Oia and that was our main focus.

We ended up renting an ATV to explore the island, we were able to do so after hopping on the local bus which cost about 2 euros (cash only) and picked us up on the main road right in front of our hotel. I strapped on my pink helmet and we drove our excited tushies to Oia, I was ready to see the cute blue domes, gimme! A lot of tourists decide to hike it, and I love a good hike, but I didn’t have the patience. I needed to be there ASAP. We found a parking spot for our ATV and walked up to the streets of Oia. Holy crap, man. That was a shit-ton of people if I have ever seen that, I am talking Sunday morning brunch crowd running towards mimosas, times ten! It was hard walking the streets with so many people around, and good pictures are hard when you have an entire army of tourists on your tail. We walked all the way to the Byzantine castle ruins and this was an absolute gorgeous view, it was absolutely stunning there. If you like selfies, this is your time to shine! This is where you can take that picture that shows the descending white buildings and the windmills with views of the caldera. After that, my husband had the mission of finding a good spot for pictures with the blue domes in the back. This was a challenge with the massive crowd, but as always, he delivered. This man is a human compass, *Tip alert* I usually try and find a picture online of what I want my background to look like, I save it and his mission is to find the same spot. If you are like me, do not lose faith. Try to find a little alley with steps and head down. As far from the entrance as possible. It can be done. After experiencing what seemed to be an episode of the Amazing Race, we made a quick stop at Pelekanos for a cold beverage and for more views. This was a cute little restaurant with an open upstairs patio that screamed vacation vibes.

We decided to head down to Ammoudi for lunch, this is the area right by the port, and we were able to get there on our ATV but you can also access it on foot and it is about 200+ steps. It was really cute sitting by the water and enjoying the sangria, but I ordered the calamari expecting, well, the breaded calamari with a yummy dipping sauce. Instead, I got these giant circles of what looked like chewy pieces of rubber. Super fishy, not for me. Calamari is not the same in Greece, man. Keep that in mind. There are a few taverns and they all offer chairs right by the water. I can’t stress this enough, do not skip Ammoudi, calamari on the other hand, you can skip.

Ammoudi and the steps from Oia to Ammoudi

After some sunbathing and a dip in the hotel pool, we showered and headed out to explore on foot. We ended up in this little cute restaurant rather close to our hotel. It didn’t look fancy or anything, and no views either. I don’t even know why we chose it, but boy, am I glad we did! Talk about a secret hidden gem. The name of the restaurant is Salt and Pepper, and the service was beyond perfect. Food was authentic and delish, the servers are the nicest ever, and they offer complimentary dessert. My heart!!

Day Three

Pegasus Suites has breakfast included and you can either head down to the restaurant and eat all the Greek yogurt your heart desires, or you can have it delivered to your room. I recommend that you have it delivered at least once. Do it for the pictures, do it for the ‘gram! Good Lord, I just said “gram”. We decided to visit the buffet on the first day since we were heading out for a boat cruise early that morning. Then we grabbed a bus that drove us to the port for our sailboat experience. I have this obsession with boats, I just love boat tours and I always try to book at least one during our vacations. We happened to see a flyer for this one at our hotel and booked it very last minute (which is sooo not what the Greens do). Fuck it, we said, why not? Boy, did we hit the European lottery with this one. The name of the company is Santorini Sail Cruises, do not forget that name. One of the coolest things we did in Greece. It was only 3 couples, which felt way more intimate than other boat experiences without having to pay a thousand dollars and a right kidney for it. The captain was the sweetest person and he was accompanied by his son, who was about 12 years old and incredibly attentive. The sailboat was so romantic, they were playing Italian-ish music the whole time we were sailing. First stop, the ocean! Too obvious? What gave it away? The island girl who won’t shut up about boats and shit? Captain awesome stopped at an area where we were able to jump into the water and go for a swim. It was a little chilly but felt really nice, and floaties were provided. We also made a stop in an area where you can go swim in a natural hot spring in the middle of the ocean because it is heated by sulfur from the volcano. That was crazy, but at the same time, it was very unique and special. *Tip alert* Leave all your jewelry behind because the sulfur will ruin it, and wear a crappy swimsuit because it might get ruined as well. Now, to the final part of the boat experience, food. See picture for reference because I can’t put into words how absolutely delish this meal was. And, wine and beer flowing like it was Aphrodite’s birthday. What a perfect effing day it was!

For dinner, we decided to splurge and dine at a nice restaurant where we could watch the sunset from. Sure as shit, the name of the restaurant was “Sunsets”. Tacky enough? It could’ve been a tourist trap, but it was anything but. We asked to sit upstairs where we could have a better view of the sunset, but unfortunately it started raining. This didn’t even put a damper on our experience, still magical, still perfect. Views, check. Amazing food, check. We even witnessed a proposal, check!

Day Four

First thing we did was order breakfast and sit on our balcony to enjoy our omelets and champagne with a side of the caldera views. After a short photo session in our fancy robes, we grabbed our ATVs and headed out.

We kind of played it by ear on day four. Our stops included Santo Wines Winery, Santorini Brewing company, and the Open Air Cinema Kamari. If you enjoy a glass (or a 16 glass flight) of vino, I strongly recommend that you visit Santos. This place is gorgeous and they have outstanding wine, need I say more? We made a quick stop at the red beach, but that was not really my jam. Beach snobbery at its best. It is worth the stop just to see it with your own eyeballs, though. The brewery didn’t have a lot of people in it, and still had a great vibe with cool beers like Crazy Donkey IPA. Fun name, right? On our way to the Cinema we stopped for photo ops and lunch at Alexander (which included complimentary shots, so you know I give it a solid 5 stars) and I know I drank more at the cinema than I paid attention to the movie so that was a jolly good time!

Santorini Brewing Company and Santo Wines

Day Five

Time to head over to Mykonos, baby! We got our tickets, we jumped on the ferry and what do you know, we got on the wrong ferry. Motherf$#@&!! Miraculously, we ended up making it there with a minor delay, so *Tip alert*, pay close attention to the signs and make sure you get on the correct boat. People run like chickens with their heads cut off to get in when the ferry arrives (the Seajets fast ferry doesn’t stay long, it drops off people, picks up people and it is GONE), and no one asks for your ticket until you are already on board and it’s too far to swim your ass back to the port. It was a very easy ride with very comfortable seats and air conditioner, and the tickets were purchased online quite easily. I still don’t know how we managed to get there rather quick, I just know there was a stop at a different island first and we were panicking thinking we were going to end up far from our destination. Whew! After we arrived, we took a water taxi into town (Mykonos Old Port) and after we disembarked, we stopped at the first restaurant we saw. Island girl needed an island cold beer and a tasty gyro with extra tzatziki (yogurt based dipping sauce that I could live on). Next up, another ATV rental and a short drive to our hotel. We booked Casa Madalena for our 3 nights in Mykonos, which to be honest was nothing special and the street that led to it was quite scary on the ATV. The lady who works the front desk wasn’t especially friendly either and that was annoying to say the least. However, they did offer complimentary breakfast, the grounds were beautiful for pictures and we got an upgrade to a bigger/nicer room for free. I will say this, it was a good thing that we were not staying where the action was. I would not want to stay in Mykonos town, saw a few people dragging suitcases all over the place and it looked like a royal pain in the ass. It is better to stay close to town, but not in town, ya’ feel me?

After we checked in, we decided to go explore. We drove the ATV to go see the windmills because this is the photo op you have been dreaming of. It was also a great opportunity to see a gorgeous sunset up there, so make sure you go late in the afternoon. We walked the beautiful streets and looked at shops and stopped for some tasty bites. I mean, I couldn’t get enough of these streets, man! The vibrant colors, the romantic European vibe, the flagstones and pathways, the architecture (wow, look at me using big fancy words). We visited the famous Skandinavian bar, and it had a great DJ and good dancing. We moved on to a classier bar with more good music and great people watching, I am talking beautiful women dancing on tables. The name of this bar was Remezzo, write that shit down. Good night for now, the beach awaits!!

Day Six

The one thing Santorini was missing, you can find in Mykonos: the gorgeous beaches! Remember when I mentioned the “OK” red beach in Santorini? Well, this is when Greece redeemed itself. I couldn’t leave the hotel fast enough. We grabbed the ATV and headed over to the beach, first order of business: beach club. Kalua Beach Bar was fancyyyyyyy schmancyyyyy. It is more low-key than Paradise Beach, with lounge music and expensive drinks and pretentious people and I would give away my entire closet to be there right now. You have to pay a pretty high fee for beach chairs, but it was magical, beautiful, relaxing, boozy, ahhhhhh. Overpriced margaritas never tasted better. We headed over to Paradise afterwards just to check it out and that was a crazy young crowd, if you are into that. Drinks are cheaper, the crowd is drunker and way more wild. They had multiple beach bars next to one another so you can walk around and experience them all. We actually had a great time watching everyone dancing on tables and couches and we even joined in the craziness. At night, what do you know, Remezzo again because this place is a sweet, sweet fantasy.

Day Seven

We decided to give the more affordable area a try, Super Paradise Beach (Not to be confused with Paradise Beach, the “Super” matters). I actually enjoyed it quite a bit, husband wasn’t too thrilled with it. It is still a great beach and the crowd is very chill, but there is no music. There were a few restaurants nearby and the lounge chairs were cheap, y’all!! So, to recap, you can have cheaper drinks, lounge by the water, swim, and tan like a certain Kim or Khloe in Cabo. Options, people. *Tip alert* Bring some sort of water shoe, the beach has rocks in some of the areas and you might not need them, but then again, you might. We drove back to Mykonos town for a quiet dinner and some late night ice cream dessert. That’s a wrap.

Day Eight

In the words of Kesha: ”Wake up in the morning feeling like P. Diddy.” Mykonos, it has been real. Time to head back to Athens for our last night in Greece before our flight back to the States. We head over to the port, sun is blasting, bags are heavy and what do you know, we can’t find our ferry tickets. Son of a bitch. The husband said 28 cuss words (even though he was the one who lost ‘em, I don’t know why I think he can be trusted), and he heads over to spend another $100+. Yay! We grabbed some snacks and the waiting game began. Once the ferry arrived we grabbed our shit and off we went. It takes about 2.5 hours if you book the fast ferry, and again, nice clean ferry with air conditioner. A little fun fact about me, I love The Killers, the band, not actual killer people. Ha! Ahem, anyway, as I was saying, The Killers had scheduled a concert during the same time we had planned our trip to be in Athens and if that’s not a sign, then I don’t know what the fuck is!! That was the end of our trip, listening to my favorite band singing Mr. Brightside live, how is this shit even remotely believable?? Life is good, really fucking good.