Tahiti and Moorea

Let me start this post by explaining how this trip even happened. It was the year 2019 and the world was thriving, the trips were flowing, hugs and handshakes were highly encouraged and sneezing in public wasn’t a capital crime yet. We started planning a trip for November 2020, and we ended up booking a trip to New Zealand with a short stop in the French Polynesia. Your girl was pumped about a road trip with the kiwis which was going to take place within a few months. However, that son of a bitch COVID had different plans for us. In March 2020, airports all over the world started shutting down, but we thought things would be back to normal by November, after all, it was still eight months away. Yeah, fucking right. New Zealand was still closed as a motherfucker in November.

I was seriously considering canceling the whole trip and getting blackout drunk at home for a whole week while watching Zac Efron on Netflix be hot and delicious and while traveling the world without me. But every once in a while, a blind squirrel finds a nut, and me, I have always liked nuts.

French Polynesia is a group of islands in the Pacific Ocean that includes Bora Bora and Moorea. In order to get to either island you have to arrive in Tahiti first. A big difference between these two islands is that you need to take another flight from Tahiti to get to Bora Bora, while Moorea is just a short ferry ride away. Another big difference is the money factor. Our initial travel itinerary included Bora Bora for three nights on our way back from New Zealand. It was expensive to stay there, but it was a short stay so we would splurge on the Bora Bora experience and maybe just skip the mortgage payment for December; problem solved. Once New Zealand wasn’t an option anymore, we chose to still go to the French Polynesia, but it didn’t make much sense to travel so far for just three nights.  Since the French Polynesia was going to be our only destination for this trip, we extended the trip to be one week long. There was no way we would pay over a $1,000 per night for lodging for one week. We needed to reevaluate: enter Moorea, the most delightful nut of all. The overwater bungalows in Moorea are far more affordable and the island is accessible by ferry, which is also considerably cheaper than a flight to Bora Bora. This was our seven-day itinerary for this little piece of heaven in the shape of an island:

Day One 

Our first flight was from Arizona to San Francisco and it was a little over an hour. We have been traveling with American Airlines for a long time, but sadly, we feel like the benefits are less and less every time and the flights are less enjoyable. It is almost impossible to get status now and even more impossible to use your first-class upgrades. And I swear, those freaking planes are shrinking, man. The Greens have moved on to greener pastures. (Get it? Greens, greener…HA!) Anyway, we recently got a United Airlines credit card and the plan is to try to fly with them as much as possible. This was our first time booking with them and I am SOLD, United is the man. The boarding process was quick, organized and done in a timely fashion. The plane was extra clean, and the bathroom was the cleanest airplane bathroom I have seen in my entire life! For the first time ever, I didn’t feel like I needed to drink a bottle of hand sanitizer after using the restroom. I high fived myself on my way out and continued watching Schitt’s Creek on my laptop without having to worry about getting “schitt” and E. Coli all over my keyboard. We were lucky enough to have pretty empty flights, so that was a beautiful bonus too.

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Hater grabbed the aisle seat, I grabbed the window, and we put all our crap in the middle seat. The service was perfection, the flight attendants were incredibly friendly and attentive. After a short layover in San Francisco, we boarded the next plane to Tahiti. This next flight was about eight hours long, but it was easy-peasy. They gave us two meals and they had complimentary wine and beer, which was a nice surprise since after COVID, it is rare for airlines to serve alcohol during their flights. I think it goes without saying that my husband was chugging beers like his life depended on it.

The arrival in Tahiti was smooth, the customs line was short but it was a bit slow. Had it been a full flight I think you would be lucky to make it through in less than 30 minutes, dependent on your location on the plane.  The airport has a DUTY FREE store, so we provided our COVID results to airport security and tried to sprint there to purchase some tax free whiskey, or as we like to call it, over the counter medicine. I should also mention that we were given a COVID test to administer on ourselves four days after our arrival and once completed, we were to drop it off at our front desk at the hotel.

We walked to the rental car company counter to pick up the keys to our automobile and we immediately drove to our Airbnb.  The place was about 20 minutes away, but it had a kickass view. It had an infinity pool, a big ass terrace and an outdoor bathroom. This bathroom was magical and special, until my husband had to go take a shit with an umbrella because the rain wouldn’t stop. Man, I wish I would’ve taken a picture of that hilarious bitch.

Day Two

Rain, rain, and more rain. It almost seemed like a hurricane was hitting the island the night before. We had planned to go visit Taharuu beach, which is also known as the black beach, but it was starting to sound like we would just have to stay in all day like two losers. As we checked weather.com, we saw that the rain would stop a little around 9am, so we decided to grow a pair and drive there. After all, rainy day at the beach is better than no beach at all. The drive from Pape’ete was about 30 minutes. Hater had read online that the locals made Firi Firi donuts on the weekends and sold them on the side of the road so we made a quick stop when we spotted three kids with a giant plastic bin that said Firi Firi.  They didn’t speak a lick of English, but they saw our drooling faces and we were able to complete the transaction. These donuts were like a fried sweet dough and they are a must. Live your best fat life!

After our increase in cholesterol from devouring six Firi Firi donuts, we arrived at Taharuu Beach with extra energy and excitement. Listen to this, we were the ONLY people there. Unreal. We walked on the beach and the crazy part was when the water hit, it was warm! The rain didn’t even matter, I went in the water and got black sand in places no one should ever get black sand in. Worth it! I wish I would’ve brought water shoes, because as you go deeper in the water, the sand turns into bigger rocks that are not very pleasant to walk on. Thankfully, there is a water faucet right by the exit where you can wash the sand off before you go.

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On our way back, we stopped at 3 Brasseurs for lunch. This place is a brewery, but the beer was not available that specific day. Umm, ironic much? We tried the flatbread and it was decent for a snack (it’s almost like a pizza but without sauce). We headed back to our room to enjoy the pool and some drinks. I was switching between cannon balling and sipping whiskey, I don’t even want to look at my rating on Airbnb after this one.

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For dinner, we decided to go check out the famous roulottes, which is French for badass award-winning food trucks (I just decided that). They are located by the ferry station and open only for dinner. We chose Chez Dominique and got the ceviche type “poisson cru au lait coco”. Hello, Fiji? Is that you? It’s me, Denise. This plate reminded us of one of the best meals of our lives in Fiji, which was raw fish drenched in coconut milk. It was tasty, tasty and it was enough for two. The food trucks are cash only, I think our food was about $20. There was a live band playing music and stealing my cold heart.

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Day Three

This is the day we departed Tahiti to go to Moorea, so we were up very early and ready to live the bungalow life. We had breakfast on the terrace of our Airbnb, I read a little bit and we felt relaxed enough to start our short travel day. We packed up, and drove to Pape’ete to get a few souvenirs before we departed Tahiti. We visited the market where I hit the jackpot when I found a head lei made with fresh flowers for just $5 bucks!! I think I paid close to $40 in Hawaii! Those fuckers robbed me blind. The market also had local food, fresh fruits, veggies, and flowers.

We needed to return our rental car before boarding the ferry so Hater dropped me off at the ferry and went to return the car, they gave him a ride back to the ferry terminal after he returned the car. The ferry has plenty of departure times so we decided to just show up and buy the tickets that same day. We bought the round-trip tickets and it was for approximately $60 for the both of us. Can you believe that craziness?? We had extra time to kill until the ferry departed so we went to the restaurant located upstairs right by the check in area. FYI, the restaurant is cash only so get some “dinero” if you want some “cervezas”. We had a few beers and before we knew it, it was boarding time.

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 The boarding process is idiot proof, it was extremely easy and very quick. Everybody boards at the same time and you grab any seat available. The ferry is clean, and has very comfy seats. It has a snack bar and it even has a few couches. The ride was about 40 minutes long and very smooth.

Once we arrived in Moorea, we grabbed our bags and a taxi cab. The taxi from the ferry to the Hilton Moorea Resort was around $25 per couple and it took about 25 minutes. The driver was nice enough to stop at the store so my alcoholic husband could grab some beers to have in the room. My loser of a husband walked into the lobby carrying a six pack, not embarrassing at all. The check in process at the hotel was quick and we were informed by the front desk lady that our room had a mini bar with beer, juice and water which was COM-PLI-MEN-TA-RY. That is probably my husband’s favorite word in the world, so the six pack under his arm ended up in our suitcase and making it all the way back to Arizona. I am not even joking here.

We were given a ride to our bungalow in a golf cart and in two minutes we were in the most epic room ever. Pinch me, pinch me hard! I immediately knew I would only be leaving the room to eat; I didn’t want to waste a second of enjoying this amazing place.

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We grabbed dinner at Rotui which is one of the restaurants in the hotel. It is outdoors and it is right by the water. I grabbed the fish and it was meh, but Hater had the shrimp pasta and it was on point. According to him, it was the best meal he had on this trip.

Day Four

We had breakfast at Arii vahine, which is the buffet that the Hilton Moorea has for breakfast every morning. Since we have diamond status, the breakfast was complimentary but it would cost you $41 per person if you paid for it. The buffet had bread, pastries, muffins, salads, charcuterie, French toast, pancakes, and an omelet station. I had an omelet every day and we both made sandwiches which we would take with us to the room and eat for lunch so we didn’t have to leave the bungalow. Hater was stoked about this, free lunch every day.  He shed a little tear of happiness every morning as I placed the “sammies” in a Ziploc bag because he knew he was saving some coin.

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After breakfast, we walked back to the bungalow. The lounge chairs in the bungalows are in the covered balcony area so every morning after breakfast, we would take the chairs down to the platform by the water. We brought our speaker, towels, the Kindle, and drinks. Hubby snorkeled and saw a shitload of fish, while I read until my pupils bled.

For dinner, we had reservations to eat at Rudy’s, which is a local restaurant that has a complimentary shuttle. We got ready for supper and we were a little early so we decided to walk to the bar and have a quick drink before the shuttle arrived. This was the exact moment where we found out that the bar had happy fucking hour every day from 5PM to 6PM!! Come to mama!

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After two for one drinks, we hopped in the shuttle and headed over to Rudy’s. The owner is a delight and the service is perfection. We ordered the seafood pastry as an appetizer and holy fucking guacamole, that shit was fucking good. For main entrees Hater had shrimp curry and moi had the parrot fish stuffed with crab. Curry shrimp knocked it out of the park; grand slam. Dessert was the papaya pineapple upside down, which was kind of like dessert pizza. Hubby said he gave it a 6, but I was like bishhhhhh, that deserves a 10!

Day Five

Groundhog Day?? This day was exactly the same as the day before: breakfast, lounge chairs, sandwich for lunch, and swimming in the badass lagoon. There was one teeny tiny detail, though. We were both woken up at 4AM with insane noises coming from both of our deranged stomachs. We had to take turns on the toilet, that poor thing was tested to the limits. However, I was able to continue on with my day while Hater was dying and had to stay in bed most of the day. The trips to the toilet continued but I could just run up the stairs, empty my bowels, and go back to the platform for sunbathing mania. We thought it was something we ate but this continued on and off for the rest of the trip. We found out that the cause of our bubble-guts was the water, and even though we always had drank the bottled water and the ice is made with filtered water, our weak American stomachs were not ready for the adventure. The minibar included one bottle of champagne, so I enjoyed my bubbly liquid out on the platform while Hater let his butthole heal.

Later that afternoon, I mentioned two magic words: “happy hour”, and it was just like saying “Abracadabra” because the man was up and ready to go. Happy hour was usually the time where we would meet other couples and make new friends. After drinks we walked to the crepe restaurant inside the hotel. EW, motherfucking EW. I realized that I don’t enjoy crepes at all, but I especially hate the salty crepes. Oh My Lord, I ended up feeding most of my food to the sharks, which by the way, was the highlight of that dinner experience. Beautiful, gorgeous sharks right below us.

A lot of people recommended this place and it had great reviews, so everyone should try it…I guess. But if you end up going, try the sweet crepes instead and even then, don’t say I didn’t warn ya’.  

Day Six

Ia Ora na, Thursday! That means hello, follow me for more Tahitian words. (Just kidding, I only know one more and I’m not even sure if I can spell it correctly without Google). The day started with our regular trip to the breakfast buffet, but the highlight of omelet hour was the nice couple from Jacksonville who sat on the table next to us and got us mimosas. Give me that Champs! After that, it was back to the bungalow for some snorkeling, and sunbathing.

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This was an all-day activity and it was as perfect as the previous days.

For dinner we chose Moorea Beach Café which had free shuttle service. The place was outdoors and adorned with all Veuve Clicquot décor. The food was average: we had tuna tartare, fish and some olive oil bread. I think it is a good option for drinks at sunset, but you can skip the bland, dry fish that ended up being fed to a cute little local cat.

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Day Seven

We decided to do a tour and leave our room for a change, but no more than a couple of hours! The tour was a kayak ride to the lagoon area where we could see sharks and manta rays up close and personal. We were picked up at our hotel around 1pm and took a short ride to the recently closed old Intercontinental Hotel. Hater and I boarded our clear kayak while and the tour guide took his own and we were working out for the first time in one week. We followed him and paddled for about 25 minutes, I took numerous breaks, damn I am not into this active vacation bullshit. Someone just drag me there. Ok, Ok, I exaggerate. I enjoyed the ride a lot, it was gorgeous and we stopped when we got to a beautiful clear blue water and got out of the kayak because the water was quite shallow. As soon as we touched the sand, manta rays came! Le fantastique.

Rays, fish and duuuun dun, duuuunnnn dun, dun dun dun dunnnn, cue the Jaws soundtrack. Sharkssssss. I thought I would pee in my bikini (spoiler alert, I did… I mean, I always do). Those are magnificent creatures, dude. The tour lasted for about two hours which was the perfect amount of time for that.

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Then we took the shark tour shuttle back to the hotel. Funny story. We had three restaurants in mind for dinner but none of them offered shuttle service so we went with whatever front desk recommended. With that French accent, I couldn’t understand a single fucking syllable. I said: “Oui. Fuck it, monsieur.” We walked to the lobby at 7pm for the shuttle and surprise, fucking surprise, it was the driver from Rudy’s!  Ok, well, the foodie gods want what the foodie gods want. Hubs had Roquefort filet and moi had the seafood pasta. The nerve on this plate to be so perfect. It was pasta submerged in some heavenly white sauce, it was seafood cooked to perfection, it was insulting how phenomenal this mouthwatering plate was. For dessert I went with the cholate lava cake this time. Stupid me, thinking the dessert I had the first night was good. The lava cake made that fruit pizza its bitch. The audacity of this place to exceed my expectations like that!

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Day Eight

We were able to get a late checkout so Mamacita was able to use that bungalow until the very last minute. We packed a sandwich during breakfast, of course, and we were lazy fucks until 1 p.m. or so.

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The golf cart was right in front of our bungalow at 3 p.m. to get our bags and our asses, the driver was like: “we must depart Mrs. Green, stop grabbing the doorframe and please stop kicking me.” Sigh.

I finally got in and let him take me to the lobby without any more karate chops to the neck. The taxi cab was already there, it took us approximately 20 minutes to get to the ferry station and we had our tickets already so we walked right in. Easiest thing in the world, I swear. They had various snacks for sale this time, including paninis and hot dogs, but we decided to save our appetite for Tahiti. I need to explain how incredibly on time the ferry is, they wait for no one. The Greens are super punctual so that was a boner for my husband right there. After the quick ferry ride, we walked to 3 Brasseurs across the street and on Saturdays they have live music.

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We enjoyed the local band and a beer flight, some poke, and the meat eater had a  Philly cheesesteak. They were nice enough to order us a cab when we were ready and it took about 20 minutes to get to the airport. There was no line and the process was quick and smooth. The flight was on time and before we knew it, we were on our way home!

Could’ve, would’ve, should’ve! A few things I wish I would’ve done if we had more time, or that maybe we could’ve done if Hater didn’t have explosive diarrhea for a whole day are the following: Coco beach bar, the rum factory and an ATV tour.

Mauru’ uru for reading this post!! (You guessed correctly if you figured out that the other Tahitian word I know means Thank you!!)

~Hater’s corner~

Some names have been changed to protect the innocent.

In the time of Covid, paranoia of the infected has run rampant. Everyone who has ventured to the French Polynesia in 2020 has had to submit to a self administered Covid test which could deem a person a pinnacle of good health and safe for travel or a leper of society doomed to quarantine in the privacy of a basement dwelling. 

The two explorers of this story received their negative Covid test results and were granted permission to embark on a journey to the beautiful islands of Tahiti and Moorea. After three days of exploring the gorgeous islands, the victims of this tragedy were stricken with “volcano-ass,” which can only be described as random eruptions of liquid magma spewing from the bowels of men and women at the exact same moment. 

Now one must ask themselves; “Is this the Covid? or is this the work of the devil in the water?” The reason you must ask yourself this, is because if you are partaking in the travels within this wonderland, you must report these eruptions to the ministry of health because of the potential spread of the deadly virus known as Covid. You will be forced into a lockdown on the island for a couple weeks and you will not be able to even breathe fresh air. However, if you believe your symptoms are caused by the aftermath of mixing way too much Jameson with the local water and your ass is on fire from all the time spent sitting on the bathroom throne, give it 36 hours and you will know your answer.  

Divine intervention was on the side of these wayward travelers and the tap water/ice was determined to be the culprit of their ailments.  The local water was sentenced to never be drunken again by these tourists abroad and they were released to their home country without issue.